Gee Whiz

Not happy with Blogger

2009-03-12T12:13:00.000-07:00

I've had this blog for a year and have very very little comments. It didn't bother me much, this is like my little private place on the internet (hi readers!)

but then three different people told me that they were trying to comment, but that blogger wouldn't let them. I looked back on the very few comments that i have on my blog and it looks like blogger is only letting other blogger members comment, which isn't very nice.

So i moved all my content over to http://geewhizsam.wordpress.com which wasn't nearly as hard as i thought it would be. I just pushed a couple buttons and all of my posts were moved over there. Woohoo!

so i'm going to finish up my Modest Dress Challenge here, and then i'm going to start working at wordpress. Sorry guys, but if its not working for me, its not working. I hope to see you there.

Day 5 in Modest Dress

2009-03-12T12:07:00.000-07:00

I am really loving this challenge, you have no idea. Yesterday was fun, i got some writing done (2 pages! including a segue between two scenes that i was having a very very hard time with) and i got to hang out with my friends all day, even Andrea who i don’t see nearly often enough.

So lets see…I showed and shaved and lazed around the house all morning until Amber called and I walked over to her house. It was a bit chilly, but i enjoyed the walk. The house was chaos with all NINE kids there, but it was a good chaos. The only time there were tears was when Caleb got hit in the side of the head with a plastic sword during one of the boy’s games but he got over it pretty quickly. Pepsi heals all wounds…

Andrea was over at Amber’s helping her clean and decorate her house. it looks amazing. I want to live there Me and andrea are going to have to go shopping to pretty up my house sometime soon, she’s got a GREAT sense of that sort of thing, while i….don’t. LOL.

Amber served me both breakfast and lunch (it was DELICIOUS!) and we hung out at her house, (had jake over, again!) and we played apples to apples. It was fun. We went home early last night (early for me anyway) and were asleep before midnight. I think

its some sort of record that we’ve been doing to bed at a decent hour all week.

Day 4 in Modest Dress

2009-03-11T11:42:00.000-07:00

What did I do yesterday? I think that yesterday morning is going to have to be one of those dark spots in my memory. I don't remember what I did at all.

I think i blogged all morning. Yeah i know, "who blogs?" I loved my dress today, i bought it at the thrift store last Thursday. It is very old fashioned and i love it. I figured that I would either look very awesome or like a grandmother. Not my grandma though, she preferred to walk around in lime green polyester pants suits. If i went around looking like an awesome grandma, then i win.

So the turning point of my day is when i realized that i was being a jerk to my son and needed to get out of the house before we did things we would regret later. So i was looking for something to do and my friend Amber mentioned that she was going to have a picnic with her kids. A picnic! perfect! It got us out of the house!

So i got my stuff together and didn't have enough for a picnic, so i ran to the store and bought a fruit tray and some juice and we took it home and set up the picnic and then wandered to the park. First of all, caleb didn't like the park i picked, so we had to keep walking until we found one that was suitable (ended up walking over two miles yesterday) and we had ourselves a little picnic.It was really nice. There weren't other kids to play with but Caleb really enjoyed sitting with me and eating fruit with toothpicks and running around crazily on the playground equipment while i got some writing done.

Then we walked home and had some diner, we invited Jacob over to the house again to play video games with the Hubby. While he was here, we made plans for a BBQ sometime this weekend. I played on the internet all night long and when Jacob went home around 11:30, i finally went to bed.

Garden Update

2009-03-10T19:58:00.000-07:00

OK a couple pictures.

My sugar snap peas are looking like plants now, instead of a mass of dirt with a cage sticking up, LOL. They're rather pretty and i can't wait to harvest. I hope that they grow fast enough to get a good harvest. it gets very hot, very fast here.

My strawberry pot of spinach and lettuce is doing alright. Some of the places are empty though and i'm not sure if they're not growing or if i missed a few spots. The rest are sprouting, but apparently they take longer than i thought they did to grow. they're less than 1/3 the size of the snap peas. I MIGHT pull them up and plant herbs in there, but i can't decide what i want to do.

I bought a cherry tomato plant, which i planted yesterday and some marigolds to keep the bugs away from them (it sort of worked last year) and then I got some Oregano, sage, thyme, and parsley. I have a large rosemary bush growing on the side of my apartment already. I will be planting basil with my tomatoes, because they really like eachother. I also planted some extra chives, because they did so well. The mint that i planted last year is thriving (of coarse) and so my place is greening up little by little.

I want to plant some cucumber too, but i'm not sure where i want it at, i'm going to have to make a trip into fresno to see what else they have. I don't want more tomatoes for sure, just the cherries.

Message Board Signature

2009-03-10T10:48:00.000-07:00

This is my signature on my favorite message board. :) I'm quite pleased with myself for making it and so I wanted to show it off. I love the streamlined look of the black and red especially with the avatar that I chose to post with it in the upper left hand corner.

My Blog of Awesomeness
Devoted Wife to Hubby
Exhausted Mom to Caleb

God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind that I think I will never die.

Day 3 in Modest Dress

2009-03-10T09:58:00.000-07:00

What DID I do all day?

I woke up and realized that it was freezing cold and my silk slip only made it seem more cold. I don't even own pantyhose so I just layered a bit. There's just something special about having something pretty underneath all your clothes. Even decided to accessorize today. I felt girly.

Lets see, I chatted with Andrea online for a while, I played on my message board. While there I discovered that I'm on page two of the most posts of all time. Over 8,000 posts! Wow, I didn't think i was that chatty!

I decided to take up Monday's challenge on my message board. I spend so much time sitting in front of the computer that i might as well make it work for me. Every time the thread is bumped, you have to get away from the computer and work on your house for 5 minutes. I spent the day alternatively getting things done and psychically willing other women not to reply to the thread so it won't get bumped to the top and i wouldn't have to clean anymore.

And then i planted my tomato plant so that it would have time to grow. I bought a cherry tomato plant the other day and had to put it in the ground before it came root bound. I'm still not sure what to do with all the herbs i bought. I sort of want to put them in my window box, but i already have spinach, radish, and lettuce planted there. Or my strawberry pot, how cute would that be, but once again, i already planted there :(

I cleaned up Caleb's room a little which was MUCH needed. It was pretty gross. Caleb kept begging me to take him to school, but there's not school this week. Then he asked to see Teacher Courtney (his new occupational therapist) but i reminded him that we don't see her until Friday, and he threw a fit.

My MIL took me to the post office, to pick up the shoes i ordered (they don't fit) and caleb very sternly told me that he didn't want to stay home with me, he wanted to go to grandmas. I tried to bribe him but he wasn't having any of that. He ended up running home and crying on his bed for a while. (aren't i the best parent ever?)

Later i told him that we were going to walmart, so we got our walking shoes on and headed there. he did a great job walking with me over there so i bought him a caramel sundae. It looked delicious. While we were sitting there, these two older ladies came up to us and started talking to caleb. They asked if we were headed to a party (?!) I told them no and they told me that it was nice to see someone wearing a dress for a change and then wandered off to do what old ladies do.

Sweet! After they left i thought that i should have told them that I AM the party, but then...i don't think they would have appreciated it.

We got home and I caught up on Heroes and How I Met Your Mother online and then Caleb begged us to go see Aunt Manda (even though by the end of the night last night he was literally begging for us to go home) so we went over there and watched our shows with them and then went home around 11, where we all went to bed. I was laying there reading my book (linked at the bottom) when i saw Caleb run to his room with a box in his hands. I followed him like a good little detective and discovered that he had a rat in the box. Damn it! So i put the poor rat away and blocked the hallway (if we had a fire we would have been screwed) because i can't have him getting rats out in the middle of the night, and i laid my head down on my pillow and went to sleep at a decent hour for the first time in days.

Day 2 in Modest Dress

2009-03-09T10:31:00.001-07:00

Sunday morning i got up and ready for church only to realize that i completely missed the time change and was already half an hour late for church and still in my underwear. While our church is pretty casual dress, i knew that this was my week for "modest dress" and even my granny panties wouldn't fit the bill. At least i couldn't put pictures of it on the internet.

Can i rant for a second on how hard it is for someone of my proportions to find something modest. I need much higher necklines than the rest of the human populations (with the exception of Sarah, i think she understands my plight) I could show cleavage in a turtle neck!

So i got dressed and decided to let Sunday be my day of rest. I had leftovers all day (burritos and pancakes in all their nutritional goodness) I laid around the house, with the front door open so i could look and the beautiful day outside, even though i didn't step out for longer than to water my plants. I planned on writing some, but didn't get anything done at all. I think i wrote down one sentence. Not even that, i think i modified once sentence. I did nothing on my story but add that my main character was mussing her boyfriend's hair as she asked a question. (did i just admit that he was her boyfriend? Meri would kill me)

I settled on the couch with a pen and paper, hoping that less distractions (like the internet) would help me get some writing done but i ended up taking a nap. I got woken up a few times (Caleb yelling at me that it was NOT nighttime, it was sunner, and i shouldn't be sleeping in the sunner) but i slept from 3 to 5 pm. At which point i microwaved myself a couple more burritos and nagged the Husband to call all our friends and see if we had any plans. Some of our friends were busy so we couldn't play VTM so instead we got together at my sister-in-law Manda's house and played board games. Ever play Apples to Apples? It's hilarious. We all sat around and played it until the wee hours of the morning. I'm sure Hubby feels like crap but it was worth it. I laughed so hard. We drove home around 2am and promptly passed out in bed.

Next week we're going to make a drinking game out of it, LOL.

Debt

2009-03-09T10:24:00.000-07:00

Rejoice with me! I just paid off most of my credit card debt. My credit card is now down to $1500. Still a lot of money, but a LOT less than it was.

We have a little more money leftover from our tax refund, but we're going to pay our bills with it and then decide how much more money we can put down on the credit card.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. The credit card is all my debt. I've been irresponsible with it and little by little it just kept getting bigger and bigger. It feels good to get it off my shoulders. I don't carry my credit card in my purse anymore, it lives at home until i REALLY need it (which, if i'm honest with myself, is never) I'm going to do better this year. Clearing off that much of the debt makes me feel like i have a clean slate, and that i can do better with my money this time.

The debt has really been hard on hubby too, always on his mind. He's feeling pretty good about it too, didn't complain once when we used almost all of our refund to pay it down even though there were things he really wanted to do with the money too.

Day 1 in Modest Dress

2009-03-08T12:06:00.001-07:00

I decided to post pictures from yesterday, the first was me making pancakes in the morning. Caleb was so excited that we were "cooking...with...CALEB!"

We invite our friend Jacob over and I made pancakes for everybody. Jacob kept scolding me because I kept walking away from the pancakes to add things to my blog. He actually slapped my hands. They all turned out alright in the end.

I also ended up inviting my friend zach over because i made way too many pancakes, but he didn't eat any of them.

The boys played video games most of the day until diner time, when i dragged Jacob (quite willingly) into the kitchen with me to help me make a boatload of burritos for the week. Hubby had been requesting them for a while and it was nice to have help doing it. Jacob really loves to cook so i didn't feel so bad making him help.

The second is me at the computer. I was planning on wearing my green and brown skirt all day but for some unknown reason i was sitting at the computer and decided to drown myself in the glass of water I was drinking. I choked and ended up spitting and entire mouthful of water all over myself and the computer desk. Not only that, but I had an audience. We had friends over. Nice.

I needed a change of clothes. And looky there, proof that one can dress modestly and still be smokin' hot.

Confidence

2009-03-07T22:48:00.001-08:00

"OK the party can start now, Sam has arrived"

Yes, I say that. Do i mean it? No. Not really. I'm not quite THAT narcissistic but I pretend to be. Why? Hmmm, good question. Fake it until you make it?

I'm shy. Really really shy. I don't like talking to new people. The very thought of talking on the phone to a stranger makes my butt clench (how's that for a mental picture?) I don't like talking to people i don't know very well. Awkward silences make me sweat (and i smell BAD when i sweat. don't believe me? Ask me husband)

I don't feel like i have anything important to say. I don't have all the answers to the questions that people ask me. I'm not very confident. Saying those things, and talking to new people doesn't mean that i'm any more confident than I was before. I'm just braver.

I put myself out there more than i ever did before. Especially lately and i'm not sure why. I was thrown into adulthood sink or swim and i sank for a really long time, and then i tred water for a little bit, and now i'm learning to do the breaststroke (my husband is an excellent teacher)

I know that if I fail at one social interaction or another, i'll be devistated BUT if i really really fail, then it won't matter. I didn't make any new friends, i won' thave anyone to face with my failure but myself, and i'm easily distracted.

Anyway, what is it that Dr Seuss says about people? "be yourself because those that matter, won't mind and those who mind, won't matter."

Fake it until you make it, definantly. One day i may be that awesome confident person i pretend to be, but i'm not quite there yet. But then again, when i gain confidence, i lose a lto of humility, and i don't think i could afford to lose any more of humility. I'm getting to be pretty full of myself.

PS, the caption under that picture says "When i grow up, I want to be a firefighter so i can help mommy" Me thinks i burned one too many diners.

Sam SMASH!

2009-03-07T21:26:00.000-08:00

Ugh! i wasn't paying attention and i sat on Hubby's expensive headphones and broke them.

I feel so bad! Hubby was cool about it, saying things happen and all that, but damn it, those were expensive and the only headphones we own and...and...i broke them with my butt!

I banged my ankle on chair so hard it pulled up some skin and I bet my butt is going to have a bruise too. But mostly its my pride that is hurt. I didn't think my butt could be so destructive.

First Ladybug of the Year

2009-03-07T12:55:00.000-08:00

She's a little camera shy...

Doormat Faerie

2009-03-07T12:30:00.000-08:00

So one day last week I was running out of my house late church (my first time going to church without husband). I had an armful of crap that i had to carry out with me and i was yelling behind me at Caleb to put his shoes on for the ten billionth time. I pushed on our new screen door and it wouldn't open. Something was blocking the doorway. I cursed under my breath and whoever the thoughtless jerk was who left whatever the hell they left on my doorstep. Then i looked down to see what was blocking my path when i saw a ladybug.

Now, I don't post about this often, but i LOVE ladybugs. You can't walk five feet in my house without coming across something with a ladybug on it. The very thought of them fills me with joy. So I spot the ladybug first. Then i realize that its part of a really really cute doormat. It has a little watering can on it that matches the watering can that i own too. It was about 2 inches too high to fit under my door though and therefore blocking my path. I shoved the screen open and picked it up. No note, nothing. I dragged it inside and placed it under my sink in the kitchen. It looked pretty, but because it was two inches high, i stubbed my toe on it a few times while admiring it. I had to get to church to i abandoned my new friend and scampered off, still wondering who in the world brought me a doormat. It must be the doormat faerie.

The first person i thought of who would do that sort of thing is my friend Sarah, but she moved a couple hundred miles away last month so i didn't think it likely, although i did hear rumors of her being in town this weekend. So when i got home from church i sent a message to her phone "Are you the doormat faerie?"

It took a while to answer back: "What is a doormat faerie?" It wasn't a no. I told her as much and she messaged back demanding to know what a doormat faerie was. Did someone leave something on my front porch? What was it? So...not Sarah.

So i saw my friend Andrea online. Perhaps she was the doormat faerie. I asked her and she thought i was being weird. She was not the doormat faerie either. I thought about my mother in law but when i called, she wouldn't answer her phone, and accusing somebody of being a doormat faerie is not the sort of thing you do over the phone. So later that night at our Vampire: The Masquerade game (it has replaced our D&D nights) i asked my two sister in laws if they were the doormat faerie. Amber looked confused but Manda looked suspicious, so i grilled her about it. She was not the doormat faerie but she knew who was. I could only think of one person who we both knew that could be the doormat faerie.

I called my mother in law again. This time she answered. "Are YOU the doormat faerie?" I demanded. She laughed. Yes, she was the doormat faerie. She asked if it fit under my door, and i told her it didn't but that somehow i would make it fit.

The next day i did some modifications on the door. I removed about 3 inches off the bottom of it. Hubby wasn't too happy with me about it, but my doormat fits now.

One Week in Modest Dress

2009-03-06T18:36:00.000-08:00

So my friend has this really awesome blog http://hopefulhousewife.com/ and she's doing a challenge next week. One full week of wearing femininely modest dress.

I'm taking up the challenge, so for the next week I'm going to be posting pictures of what I'm wearing, starting Sunday. If i forget to post a picture, i would appreciate a reminder (all you lurkers out there, tag me!)

I would love it if y'all would join me. Even if just for a few days. Amber, i know that you just bought some dresses, that you wanted to start wearing. We'll be dress buddies. It will be awesome.

Also, how sad is it that the only picture i could find in me in a dress was my wedding picture? I wear skirts at least twice a week, why doesn't anybody take pictures of me?

My paparazzi has failed me.

The Zoo

2009-03-06T11:13:00.000-08:00

There's something about visiting the zoo that brings out the kid in you. The irresponcible kid who doens't keep up with her own blog, aparently.

Friday night, around 3:30 in the morning i was over at my brother and sister in law's house chatting with friends after playing Vampire: The Masquerade. My sister in law, Amber, mentioned that she was going to go to the zoo the next day with her sister and a couple people from church. I was sooo jealous, not only because she was going to the happiest place on earth (hubby used to take me there on dates) but because she invited a particular friend from church that i've been dying to get to know for a really long time. Not only that but, ever since that funeral the week before, i've been thinking about dragging the family to the zoo (wow, that's a weird sentence out of context)

So I told her I wanted to go and she told me to come a long but hubby said no. he didn't want to go to the zoo. We don't have money for the zoo. He was going to be tired the next day (because it was 3:30 am already and we weren't even packed up to go home yet) FUN RUINER! I didn't want to drive all the way up there by myself, i might get lost, so I asked a couple of my guy friends to go. Zach said no. Jake no didn't answer. So i begged Zach, told him there would be cute girls at the zoo, he told me no again and we started chatting about girls and life and putting yourself out there. Finally Jake said that if Zach was going, he would go too, and they hemmed and hawed but i told them that i would pick them up right before noon the next day (or you know, later that morning) And our adventure began.

I woke the next morning (after only five hours of sleep) feeling sick but--by God--I wan't going to miss a trip to the zoo. I spent half an hour picking my outfit. I wanted to wear something that would make a good impression on the new people i would be meeting but i didn't want to look too nice, considering that I was going out with two men who were not my husband (oh, i could hear the rumors now...) Hubby left to fill the car up with gas for me and when he got back he changed his mind abotu going, decided he would go along with me. We had to find alternate rides for our friends because our car would no longer fit us all, I took some cold medicine, put on a cowboy hat (for luck) and off we went.

Fun fun fun. I blame the cold medicine for my out of charecter mood. Usually i'm shy and withdrawn, but I was on my game that day, or at least i think so, i can't tell for sure. i was in some sort of cloud, I THINK it was #9. hmmmm. We'll have to check.

So anyway, we went to mcdonalds and Caleb played and played and we ate before the trip. I was determined not to let being sick keep me from having a good time, so i tried extra hard to get to talk to everyone. Nobody bit me at all! (grandma used to asked if i was worried somebody was going to bite me, everytime i acted shy) Everybody seemed to get along pretty well. New people's husband played D&D too, everyone was friendly. We got along pretty well. The boys sequestered themselves away from us hens, but besides that, mcdonalds was fun.

We lined up in front of the zoo for pictures and had a ball. Cameras were everywhere. Everyone was posing. I got in a few good posed shots, but was dertermined that as soon as we got IN the zoo, i was going for candid. Which turned out looking more like stalking but it worked out for everyone's benifit, I think. I got some excellent shots of everybody.

Lets see, the highlights. Everybody got along fine, we talked and skipped and ran from cage to cage. We were amused by this thing called a black footed cat, that was in a cage that was the same shape and size of a housecat, but with more exotic marking. We made jokes about the zoo not having much money.

Then we went to the rainforest. Caleb led the way. he had the map and was our navagator. "OK, elephants: check! Birds: check!" I stalked in the rainforest. I got some excellent shots of my friends. Trish hated the picture i took of her playing with her hair, but i think she looks beautiful and everyone agreed (especially zach "it looks like a commercial. I don't know what you're selling, but i'll take it!")

I kept taking pictures of Zach and Jake too, my bestest guy friends. Zach got really annoyed with me, so most of the pictures are of him giving me dirty looks about shoving a camera in his face all the time, but he got some pretty good ones in here. This one is entitled "Captain Zach Swallows" ------------>

heh heh. Swallows. Anyway.... The flamingos smelled bad, the tigers wouldn't look at us, the kids were loud but in a pretty good mood. We played musical strollers for a while, and half the time we lost half the party and had to wait for the rest, and we missed the giraffe feeding. BUT, i can't tell you when the last time was that I had so much fun. We had a blast.

<---this is Jake and is entitled "OMG a baby!" I was a little giddy and feeling very light headed. By the time we got back to Jon and Amber's for the BBQ I didn't want to do anything but lay down. I leaned across My Jacob and fell nearly fell asleep, i really regretted going when i felt so sick. The meds had wore off and I was feeling really really bad. Until i realized, hey, i have diabetes, maybe i should eat more often. As soon as i got some food in me i was feeling better. not completely healed, but much much better. I could lift my head again. It was really really nice to hang out with that girl, Trish, that i had been wanting to get to know for a really long time. We need new faces in our group. Preferably ones without beards, and Trish fits the bill. I was really worried we would scare her off with all our talks about "upper decking" eachother and all the "gayness" the boys were putting off. She said we didn't scare her that much, but that she didn't understand a lot of our inside jokes (please, God, don't let her discover what upper decking is) We took her home and i memorized where she lived, just in case i decide to kidnap her in the future. Everyone needs to be kidnapped every once in a while.

After she left we hung out and talked for a really long time, which is where things got really weird, in thier usual way.

me subduing the husband

Last Saturday was the best day i've had in a really long time, despite being a lot more sick than i was willing to admit.

Parental Amusement Backfire

2009-02-25T12:24:00.000-08:00

OK so the other day Caleb was comparing big things and small things and I decided to have a little bit of fun with it.

I was at my mom's house with my brother and his girlfriend. I asked Caleb if he had a big tummy or a little tummy, and he said that he had a little tummy. Then i asked him a little louder if Uncle PJ had a big tummy or a little tummy and Caleb yelled really loud "He has a BIG tummy!" hehehe. Then I asked if Uncle PJ had a big butt or a little butt and Caleb yelled "Uncle PJ has a BIG butt!"

we all thought it was hilarious. He hasn't really mentioned it since then so we let it pass.

Then today i was getting out of the bath and he walks into the room and he tells me "Caleb has a little tummy. Does mommy have a big tummy or a little tummy."

I looked down. The answer was as obvious as it was embarrassing. "Mommy has a big tummy" I answered.

"Very good," he congratulated me. "Does mommy have a big butt or a little butt?" he asked in his best teacher voice.

*groan* "Mommy has a big butt," I answered obediently while i silently berated myself for thinking up this "fun game"

"You sure do!" he told me, getting excited over his game now. "Does mommy have little boobs, or big boobs?" he asked.

I panicked.

"Caleb, get out! This is private! Let mommy get dressed!"

oddest funeral i've ever been to

2009-02-21T13:29:00.000-08:00

So I went to Aunt Irene's funeral today. Good thing i did too, because my mom's fiance is not from the area and almost got lost. I'm a pretty good navigator when i want to be. We drove right by the zoo which reminded me how badly I've been wanting to go. Unfortunately, Caleb was not with me so I didn't make a field trip. He probably would have smelt the zoo on me and never forgiven me.

We got the the funeral before anybody else we knew was there. The cemetery was beautiful, with its mature trees and green lawn. I was very impressed with it.

We parked a little way away and Lonnie (mom's boyfriend) told some really inappropriate jokes a little too loud. Made my mom do a wheelie in her wheelchair on the way over, being all too silly. My Uncle and his family arrived. My uncle said hello, but his wife and kids didn't. I went to shake his hand and he gave me a really awkward hug. Lonnie tried to engage him into a conversation but he only replied with one word answers. We gave up after that.

So few people came. She had been bedridden for quite a long time, didn't have many friends left. There were a couple people there from her church. Her caregiver, my Uncle and his silent family, and her caregiven. There were more than enough seats for everyone, even though there were only three rows.

Nobody cried, nobody sniffed. They all knew she didn't have long to live. The sermon was breif, and when it was done, everybody came and shook cousin roberts hand and walked away. I should have invited him for lunch, just because he didn't cry doesn't mean that he wasn't upset, but I didn't think of it until we were leaving.

My mom did good. She commented on how awkward the meeting with her brother was, but she didn't linger on it. I'm glad for that, she has been hurting over him for a while, i think that she's finally accepting the relationship for what it is.

I don't know, it was just odd. I've never been to a funeral where nobody seemed all that sad.

Country Tour

2009-02-20T11:36:00.001-08:00

The other day my family and I went for a drive in the country while Caleb was in school. I love living here, it's so beautiful.

The Appreciation Incident

2009-02-20T10:28:00.000-08:00

I realized that I never posted about my horribly embarrassing "appreciation incident" that i had referenced to a few weeks ago. I posted it in my other blog, so I'm going to share it with you (whoever it is that reads my blog, LOL)

So without further ado, "i'd appreciate it if you didn't appreciate me" (September 21st, 2008):

So last week Pastor Bob called me on the phone out of the blue. He hasn't called me much in the past few years honestly although i had been apart of ministry because i tend to keep to myself. I find myself floundering for words whenever i speak to him. I have trouble speaking coherently to him because in my head, he is an authority figure and so usually my part in our conversations usually involve "yes pastor," "I will," "Thank you Pastor" and "I love you too, Pastor" Then the conversation ends, i hang up and I find myself roped into doing something that i didn't plan on doing because i when he asks me things i don't have the power to tell him no.

Which is how i got myself into the mess that i was in this morning at church. He called last week to make sure that i would be in church this Sunday (because to be perfectly honest, ever since i haven't been in charge of the nursery I've taken advantage of Sunday mornings to catch up on my sleep) Honestly i was a bit embarrassed that he noticed, which did not help at all with my problem with staying coherent when talking to him. He said that he appreciated what I've done for the church (Thank you, Pastor) And told me that he really hoped I would come church this Sunday ("I will, Pastor") and that he would like to show his appreciation to me if i were to be there this Sunday (Thank You, Pastor.) He said that he looked forward to seeing me and to pass his love on to my family ("I love you too, Pastor") and bob's your uncle, I was roped into standing in front of a crowd of people and to be recognized for something that i only agreed to do because it was a way to serve God without having to interact with grown ups.

I've been thinking about it every day since then, kicking myself for not telling him no.

Today was the big day. I made myself a big breakfast so that I wouldn't pass out on the way to the stage. I spent two hours picking out my outfit last night and Caleb's outfit. I even told my husband what he was going to wear this morning. I hogged the bathroom putting on makeup that I never wear and I rushed around the house following after Caleb making sure that once i got him dressed, Caleb wouldn't dirty his outfit. I ended up obsessing over small details so much that we made ourselves late to church. Great.

We sat in the very back. The butterflies in my stomach kept me from really focusing on anything that Pastor had to say in the morning. I couldn't concentrate on the songs at all either. I tried to look up at the large TV screens in front of the church to read the words but they looked blurry and out of focus. I had broken my glasses weeks ago and still haven't replaced them. We really shouldn't have sat in the back.

Everytime Pastor would begin talking about something else my stomach would tighten and i worried that he would be calling me up on the stage soon. I sat there, regretting eating such a big breakfast (after all it would leave a bad impression if i ended up throwing up all over him) and wishing i Pastor would forget he ever wanted to appreciate me.

And then he started talking about wanting to appreciate two women who were involved in the childrens ministry and i knew that he wouldn't forget. My palms started sweating and i briefly contemplated running out the back doors. They were only 15 feet away. So close, and yet, so far...

Luckily he called someone else was recognized before I was and i was able to see what to expect. He spoke a few words to her about how much he appreciated her and how important her work was, and how faithful she was, and then he gave her a small plaque, a large picture with a scripture on it and a small card of appreciation. Then it was my turn.

He said my name and my hand tightened on my husbands. He said that he wanted to appreciate two women, but by god, if i was going to get appreciated for hiding in the nursery, so was my husband. There was no way i was going up there alone. Luckily Pastor remembered my husband as well, and told him to come up. Ha, like he had a choice.

So up we went. I took special care as we walked up the stairs. I was wearing a long dress and i didn't want to trip. That would be just like me, to have the spotlight shining down on me when things went wrong. I made it up there OK and then everything else became a blur.

Pastor spoke again about faithfulness and taking care of "the least of these" and Pastor Cynthia reminded me about how i was spoken to at a women's ministry conference and its what pushed me to be involved in the nursery. I had forgotten about that. I hope nobody else noticed the dubious look i gave her as she began to the story.

Anyway, he read the plaque he gave me out to everyone and spoke to me again about how appreciative he was, and then he picked up the big picture to hand to me and....the frame broke into pieces spilling the picture onto the floor. Pastor tried to make a grab for it, but it just broke into more pieces. I just stood there in shock. I was mortified.

But to my credit i didn't run and hide (I was already in front of everybody anyway, they would have seen where i went) I laughed. Luckily i wasn't the only one, otherwise i would have looked like a jerk. Took us all a few minutes to regain our composure, although i kept my hand over my mouth for the rest of the time they spoke. He promised to fix it, or to return it or something. I don't remember, it was just too funny. I couldn't believe that had happened.

I think pastor said it best. "Here she was not even wanting to come up here and now nobody will ever forget it"

Hopefully they remember the picture and not me. LOL.

That'll teach him for trying to appreciate me!

Bringing my garden back to life

2009-02-18T16:26:00.000-08:00

This morning was the first day that i've worked on my garden since last fall when i ripped out all the dead and neglected plants.

Honestly the only plants that survived were my delicious garlic chives. I'm going to have to plant more this year because i really enjoyed them and they turned out to be very hardy.

Eh hem. So i loved my garden last year, but i've learned a few things. one of them is that i don't want to wait for plants to fruit all year. At least not ALL of them, you know. I want to be able to see a plant, think it looks yummy and pull it up and eat it (like i did with my herbs) so less fruiting plants like tomatoes and more vegetables like lettuce and spinach.

One thing i wanted to keep was my herbs. I loved those things. so convenient.

So lets see, where was I? Oh yes, i planted today.

I planted spinache and lettice and radishes in a strawberry pot and in my herb boxes. They're supposed to grow early and be harvested early. If its time to grow my other plants and they're still int here, all i have to do is harvest them and make a big salad and i'll be ready to plant again. I can't wait to see them sprouting again. The strawberry pot was an idea that i got from an online friend. If it works out, i'll have to send her something special. the very idea gets me excited about growing things.

And then i planted some sugar snap peas. I love those things and can't wait for them to start to grow. They are another plant that will be done harvesting around summer time, so I should have at least two different crop sets this year. I can't wait.

Looks like I'm going to a funeral

2009-02-18T10:11:00.000-08:00

My mother's aunt died a couple days ago. I never met her. She was 91 years old.

I have one memory of her. I sent her an invitation to my wedding out of courtesy. She send back her regrets and a check for $20. This woman was living off of social security, had very little money, hadn't met me, hadn't talked to my mother in years, but she sent me a gift for my wedding. It was very sweet.

Her son, took care of my mom though, was a good friend to her when she was going through some rough times. "Cousin Robert" is in his 70s and has never even lived away from his mom.

I think i've met Cousin Robert a couple times but i'm not sure. If i remember correctly, he took my mom and I out to eat after a funeral (i'm not even sure who's funeral it was), but i can't be sure. I remember being at Taco Bell with him, but i can't place his face.

So why am i going?

I'm not sure. I think it's for my mom. Funerals are for the living, right? I think i need to be there for her. She doesn't have much family left in the world, the ones who are alive don't speak to her because she's bi-polar and that brings a lot of crazy into their lives. I think they all sort of shut down their relationship with her the last time she tried to kill herself. Perhaps before that because i remember inviting them to my wedding and they never showed up.

Its going to be awkward seeing them again. But I haven't seen them since...Was it my grandfather's funeral. Ten years ago? Not much before that either. They've never even met me as an adult. I have to admit that I'm a little bitter about it all. My mother really craves a relationship with them, but she calls and they blow her off. It's obvious to everyone but my mother. Perhaps even to her, but she acts like she doesn't notice.

I've invited them for different things in my life, but they never come. I'm trying to do this for her, because i really don't care. I have my family now, my husband's family has made me (and my mother and brother for that matter) feel more welcome than her family ever did.

So I'm going. I'm going to stand up with my mom, because i know this will be hard for her. I will stand there for Cousin Robert in gratitude for everything he had done for her as well.

But Aunt Irene...? I don't think she would care.

It makes me anxious though. I don't like funerals. I know that nobody likes them. it isn't the fact that the person is dead that bothers me. Its the fact that the family is supposed to sit there and look put together as they put thier loved ones in the coffin. it seems kind of cruel.

None of the real healing begins until everyone gets together for lunch afterwards. They cry and they tell stories about that person's life. You walk away from that with some small healing in your heart.

Perhaps the funeral is there to open the wound, so that the time with family afterwards can heal.

But what if your family isn't healthy. What if there is no diner, no talking, no telling stories. What then? Then there is just a wound that won't be healed.

So that's why i'm going. To act as first-aid to my greiving, mentally unstable, mother because i don't trust the rest of her family enough to even try to comfort her.

"hey, do you remember me?"

2009-02-17T12:26:00.000-08:00

So when i used to do the nursery there was this little boy named Sam (coolest name EVER). He was adorable, but every time they brought him to church he would scream bloody murder. As soon as they started dressing him for church in the morning he would cry. If they got in the car ANY day of the week and it seemed like they were heading in the direction of church, he would cry.

I just held him most of the time, because (while this is not true for all kids) as soon as his parents left the room, he would begin to calm down and he would stop crying in less than five minutes and go about his day.

It broke my heart that he cried though. I mean, what did i do to this poor kid that he hated coming to see me so much.

Then a couple years ago, on mothers day he came to me and brought me a gift. His mother said that they were in the store buying presents for all the teachers and he insisted that they get a present for me too. I was touched. I really really didn't think he liked me, at all. That was the first day that he didn't cry to be dropped off.

I don't know exactly how it happened, but over the coarse of a few months after that, he stopped crying when it was time to come to church, and in fact began to look forward to it. Kids are strange. But Sam soon became my favorite because he was just the sweetest tempered little boy i've ever met and he seemed to like me. It melted my heart. The first time he graduated to the bigger kids class, i cried. I'd never cried when any of the other kids left me. But Sam was special because i worked so hard on building a relationship with him and i really really loved that boy.

Well i hadn't seen him in a long time. In fact, i hadn't been to church in a while, but we went on sunday and when we went to pick up Caleb from the playground after church, I felt a tugging at the back of my shirt and there stood my little Sam. He smiled shyly at me and asked me "do you remember me?" My throat got all tight, because i'm a girl and can't help it. I told him: "Of coarse i remember you, Sam" and his smile grew bigger. "I used to be really little," he told me and i agreed with him and told him that he used to be "this big" and that he was now "THIS big" he had definantly grown. He smiled wider and just stood there smiling at me for a minute. Then Caleb called my attention away from little Sam and he used to opertunity to go and climb the playstructure again. He smiled at me from the top and then went to chase the other children.

That just made my entire week.

"You have someone over today?"

2009-02-12T13:42:00.000-08:00

That's what hubby always asks me when he comes home to a clean house.

I don't know what bothers me more. Is it the fact that he thinks the only time i really clean the house is when I'm going to have people coming over, or the fact that his assumptions are usually correct?

Shameless Self Promotion

2009-02-11T12:01:00.000-08:00

Yeah i know, i just posted pictures of myself for no reason like 2 days ago. But i'm doing it again. I cut and colored my hair and i'm really happy with how it turned out.

Before and AFter pics:

TADAA!

It's super short in the back (just a couple inches long) but I absolutely love it. Hubby was so surprised.

A solution

2009-02-11T11:34:00.001-08:00

I think i finally found the solution to all my problems with loneliness. I just need to clone myself. I'm cool. I would totally hang out with me.

I was sitting around this morning feeling lonely when i had this epiphany. My two best friends don't live here anymore. One moved away in September of last year, and my bestest friend Sarah moved away last weekend. She lives a few hundred miles away now.

They were the two people who i felt the most comfortable with. I could invite them to my house even if it was a mess and not worry about it. Hell, they would help me clean up. They could do the same with me. They always made me feel comfortable in their home. They talked to me like i was a grown up and not a student. (I love my mother in law but i feel like i'm some kid holding onto her apron strings sometimes) I miss that.

Hubby is awesome. He is my best friend in the entire world, but he's gone most of the day. I spend all morning and afternoon alone. Just me and Caleb. It would drive anybody crazy.

I have other friends (not close friends, but other friends none the less) but none of them have kids. I like my sister in law, Manna, but she doesn't know what to do with Caleb half the time. My other sister in law, Amber, has kids, but we seem to have conflicting personalities. She is always "go, go, go!" and it stresses me out just to be around he when she's like that. Plus she's not in a healthy place right now and when i'm in this kind of funk, i have enough problems of my own. Plus she's got a baby. I can't invite someone with a baby over to my messy house. And i can't just drop in on her like i could with my friends who had older kids.

My mother in law is awesome, but like i said, its more of a mentoring relationship i have with her. I can't even tell he dirty jokes...

And then my mom...i love her to pieces, but she's better in short bursts. More than a couple hours with her and i'm willing to chew off my own arm if it meant i could leave.

And that's pretty much everyone i know. I have a friend the next town over, Hubby's cousin Autumn, that I just started hanging out with again. I also have a friend named Michelle who is the only other person i talk to from highschool.

We were good friends during high school but i haven't heard much from them since Caleb was born. They don't really get kids. Things are different when you're a mommy. Being a mommy is such a huge part of my life, and i dont' feel like i can share with them because they don't get it sometimes.

Neither one of them are married, neither one has kids. Michelle never even had a boyfriend. we live in two very seperate worlds. I still think they're cool people and we have some things in common still, but not a lot.

I don't even know how to meet new people. We haven't been to church in a while, and even when we did, we would go in there, listen to the service and then everyone would escape out to their cars. I never really MET anyone in church. Sure a couple people would say "hi" but i never got to know anybody really. Same with the mommies at Caleb's school.

Caleb is not a preschooler anymore. MOPS no longer applies. Playgroups are for babies.

I'm this close >----< to getting a job just to meet new people. But i don't have any work experience with anything and will only be making minimum wage. That would barely cover what it costs to put Caleb into daycare. Then i'll come home exausted like i did before, rely more on convenience food. I'd need new clothes. I'd need a second car...It would cost more money than i would earn for me to go to work.

So that pretty much settles it. I'm going to have to clone myself.

My glasses have FINALLY arrived!

2009-02-09T16:29:00.000-08:00

I am so excited. They feel funny because the prescription is different. Somehow when i wear them they make me feel short. Perhaps its because the ground looks closer or something. Anyway, i'm super excited.

Black and Red

Brown

OK, i'm shameless, come and tell me how cute i look :P

Ordeal is officially over

2009-02-09T15:53:00.000-08:00

Pandora is all better now. She's been better for a while but today is the last day where she has to have special treatment. She is doing exceptionally well although Popcorn took advantage of the situation and has groomed off some of the hair on Pandora's neck. It's a dominance thing.

Anyway, Pandora was on antibiotics for a week. One drop every 12 hours (cutest prescription EVER) She took it like a champ, but I think that had a lot to do with it being bubblegum flavored. Whoever thought to flavor pet antibiotics like bubblegum is my hero.

Sunday was her last day on antibiotics and today we took her to the vet to get her stitches out. She was a doll the entire time we were there. She even came to me when i called her name to take her out of the cage, then they came with the scissors towards her tail and she started screeching like they were going to take the rest of it off (who knows, she could have been thinking that...) I tried to hold her but i was nervous. She has NEVER bitten me before, never even bit Caleb when he removed her tail, but she was screeching and scrambling and i wasn't sure what she would do. The little chicken ran into my shirt and the nurse had to take her stitches out while she was hidden in my shirt, LOL. I got pee'd on for my effort but the stitches are out. She's all better now. I'm glad that this is behind us.

She's still acting like a big baby. I brought her out of the cage to snuggle and she's just been hiding in my shirt ever since. Big chicken.

Oh and also, i found out that the vet will castrate male rats for me. A friend of mine offered to give me his male rat but i didn't want it because i was too afraid that it would impregnate my females (despite them being in seperate cages, but those things are sneaky so i wouldn't trust it, or caleb to not let them out all at once) but if i could get them castrated...then possibly i could have another rat, right? Hmmm, we'll have to see what husband has to say about this...

Wish You Were Here

2009-02-04T11:05:00.001-08:00

First of all, pretend that the house is clean. She got frisky.

I took the rats out of the little cage and put them into the bigger one for convalescence. I can't spell, sue me. I left the cage door open though, and Claudia went in looking for them. She was very disapointed when she finally realized that she was in the wrong cage. When she discovered where the rats truely were, and she couldn't get in, she snuggled up on top of the cage and took a nap. Poor little Claudia. She's so lonely.

ew ew, poisonouse spider!

2009-02-04T10:24:00.000-08:00

i went in the closet to get a towel for my bath this morning. I reached forward and felt something touch my arm. I looked and realized i had my arm in a spider web. A black widow web.

The very thought of having black widows in my house makes me want to grab my son and run somewhere far, far away. It took me a second to get over my horror and realize that there was a spider hanging at the bottom of the web and as i stood there it crawled very quickly up the web and toward my arm.

I screamed, loud, and i ran away into the living room and started swatting at my arm, like there was a spider on it. There wasn't. I felt like crawling out of my skin and leaving it on the living room floor. It had been touched by the spiders web.

The black widow crawled her way all the way up the web and is now hiding in my Christmas wreath.

The very thought of having a poisonous spider in my house *shudder, twitch, twitch* makes me want to grab my son and run away forever.

Ideally one could just go in there with a can of bug spray and kill it. I don't want it in my closet. I keep my bed linens in there. *shudder, twitch, twitch* But it scares me. I don't want to even open the door. I can't pull the wreath down because i would have to touch it and the spider might be hiding where i put my hands. Besides its high above my head. What if the spider dropped on me? *shudder, twitch, twitch*

I want to soak the whole closet in gasoline and trust that the fire will take care of it. Unfortunately, Husband thinks that is a bit extreme.

I guess i have to wait until my big strong man comes home to take care of it. 7 more hours to go....*shudder, twitch, twitch*

*AN: I made a resolution to post a picture with every blog. You have no idea how skeeved out while i was looking up pictures on google to post with this blog (because i sure as hell wasn't going to find the thing and take a picture of the one that was in my closet) I hope you're happy*

i haven't stopped moving today

2009-01-29T19:45:00.001-08:00

I am absolutely exhausted.

I had to get up early to give my ratty her antibiotics. I was able to get some writing done on my story (i also got an excerpt of it on audio to post at a later date). My plan for the day was to shower, clean up on the house a little, bake some bread for lunch later this week, head to the store to get a water bottle for the rat, and then generally chill out while i waited to drop caleb off at school. Then i would go over to my mother-in-law shouse to do laundry, and then go have diner with husband's grandmother (yay, no cooking!) and then we would chill out at home again.

then things changed. i got a phone call from my sister in law who was feeling lonely. I looked at the clock. I only had a couple hours before i had to leave to take Caleb to school. I couldn't invite her over. I had plans to go to diner with husbands grandmother but decided that sister in law needed me more. I started making plans for diner. I had to bake hamburger buns in the oven instead of letting the bread machine do all the work. I had to buy a new water bottle for the rats because i had to keep them separated.

I decided to double a recipe that i had already bought for, meaning i had to bake my own bread today. I hoped i would be able to get it done. Also i was trying a new recipe for stretchy guacamole (will post later, I promise) so i had to finish that today.

I called my mom to vent to her about what happened to my rat the other day and then i started complaining about how much i had to clean because i owned too much stuff. Then my mom told me that she was having a yard sale this weekend and if i wanted to get rid of stuff, she would take it. So i got everything together and my mom came by to pick up all of caleb's baby stuff. I mean all of it. I gave away my crib, my moses basket, all the baby toys i owned, all the diaper bags i kept, a stroller. Everything. Big step for me.

Immediately after that my mother in law came by to pick me up to do laundry. I was NOT ready. I begged her to help me clean caleb's room. I had company coming over that afternoon and they ahd little kids, i HAD to have the place cleaned up. We finished picking up caleb's room just in time to get laundry together before i had to take him to school. Once he got dropped off, i started a load of laundry at my mother in laws house and then we headed to the store. I had to buy things for the rats, and stock up on ingredients i needed for the recipe that i was making for my company tonight.

I put everything away at home and make it back to mother in law's house in time to change the load of laundry and call my husband to inform him that we had a change of plans before it was time to pick up Caleb from school. Company was coming over right then. I had enough time to start the beans for the dip i was making and get the bread machine going for the buns. Unfortunately i completely underestimated how much time it would take to make the bread AND the recipe i was going to use for the hamburgers needed to set in the fridge for at least 4 hours. I discovered this after i was half way though putting it together.

What was I to do? I finished putting together the hamburger patties and kept the beans on the stove. The dough was already in the bread machine so i let it cook. I had to start on another meal as well if i wanted my company to have something to eat for my impromptu diner part.

So i made two diners tonight. My company came over about half way through my cooking and sat there watching me as i cooked. I was a terrible hostess but at least they were able to eat. Caleb hit her son in the face with a hoe. There were tears, but not because he was hurt, because he didn't want to come inside when i told them they were done playing outside.

Screw it. Let them play outside while i finished cooking. My sister in law stepped outside to watch them as i finished diner. I got the shepards pie together just in time to see that i hadn't made nearly enough for 4 adults and three children. I had to ask my guest to head to the store and pick up a salad for us. *sigh*

I barely had enought time to eat my diner before the timer for the rolls/buns went off. I had to get it started or else it would be all funny. So i got back up off the couch and started making the buns. As soon as those were done, I had to get the beans off the stove for the dip. Husband entertained our guests while i was in the kitchen fixing the stupid diner we were supposed to eat but wasn't done (grrrr)

and then before i could finish the dip and actually have the time to sit down with the woman that i invited over, she had to go home.

Once she left i was able to sit down, i chose to blog because well, what else am i going to do with my time? LOL

I made a huge mess in the kitchen though... I've got at least and hours worth of work before i'm able to relax completely.

My back hurts, and my neck hurts and my brain hurts. I want to stop doing things. I hope caleb goes to bed early...

I still haven't gotten my shower yet. and *sniff* i need it.

I am Absolutely Horrified

2009-01-28T15:10:00.001-08:00

this has been the longest twenty four hours in a long time. If you are even the slightest bit squeamish, please go do something else...

Sometime last night i was in my room reading a really bad novel (something about witches and fey and vampires and werewolves and demons and all that sort of junk) I don't remember exactly. Anyway...So i was reading my book when i hear the rat screeching in the other room. It sounded hurt. I went in there and found Caleb on the bed with my rat, Pandora. Somehow he had gotten past the padlocks on the cage AGAIN and had gotten to her. I took the rat away from him and that's when i noticed the blood. His arms were absolutely covered with it. I thought the rat bit him.

Being the wonderful mother that I am I though, "serves him right." He knows better than to get the rats out. But then i took another good look at him and didn't see any bite marks. He didn't look hurt either, he looked guilty. So then i look at the rat. Her body is fine, there is no blood on her and then i see her tail. Or what was left of her tail.

Remember when i said if you were squeamish you should look away, go do something else. I mean it, go do something else.

the bottom part of the rat's tail had been skinned. Skinned. The skin had been torn off the rat. I nearly passed out just looking at it. It was bleeding everywhere and she was still squeaking in pain. It took everything I had to go and put her back in the cage. She immediately went squeeking down to the bottom to the darkest corner of her cage and began chasing her tail trying to get a good look at the damage he had done. She was bleeding everywhere.

then i can't remember what happened next, except that i told husband to go get Caleb cleaned up. I stood in the hallway ringing my hands and trying to forget exactly what the exposed bone looked like (still have not succeeded)

Then husband found the tail and wanted to know what to do with it. I told him to throw it away, because there was no way that we would ever be able to get it reattached. Then i went to the kitchen and made myself a drink. A strong drink. Husband sent Caleb to bed. No TV, no movies, just go to bed. Caleb cried himself to sleep

I tried to read my book again but the world "blood" kept coming up (that's what i get for reading a vampire novel) and i ended up sitting in the middle of the bed rocking back and forth while holding a pillow as i tried not to throw up.

I drank some more. Hubby told me that we can't have rats anymore. I agreed with him. If i couldn't keep them safe, i shouldn't own them.

I tried to sit in the quiet but i kept hearing the rat screeching from the living room. it still hurt, so i put on the radio really loud and sat there rocking back and forth for a while, trying to figure out if Caleb understood what he had done or not. Surely my son wouldn't do that on purpose, right? What if he did? What did that mean? No, he couldn't' have understood what he had done. I don't think he would ever do that on purpose.

When hubby came to bed, he was crying too. We were both absolutely horrified over what happened. I slept with the radio on (I never do) but i kept waking up to the rat's screeching. She didn't screech constantly, but it was more than enough.

Hubby called in sick to work. He didn't feel well. He woke up before I did and got online to figure out what to do about the rat and how it could have possibly happened. Apparently, it is a common injury, having to do with holding the rat up by its tail. I could see Caleb doing that.

Anyway, if we left it like it was, it would be in pain. Not only that but it could die. We were lucky enough that she didn't die of shock overnight. There were two treatments for it. One would be to amputate her tail and the other would be just to put her down. She could not and should not live like that.

All the sites online said that it would cost $80-90 to fix her up. We don't have that kind of money at all. We are barely scraping by to be able to pay the rent, but we could not let her suffer like that. We had to help her. So i called the vet in town and they didn't treat rats. They gave me the name of two different places in Fresno that might be able to treat rats, but they didn't give me a number. I called my cousin and asked for the number to her vet, and they did treat rats.

I made an appointment, crying off and on all morning about my poor rat. The muscles and bone in her tail were completely exposed and she just sat in the cage, not moving much. She wasn't squealing anymore, but i knew she was in pain. I had to face the very real possibility that I was about to go and take my rat to be put down. I messaged a couple of my friends in tears to tell them what happened. I posted a message on my christian message board for people to pray for my little rat.

Time passed all too quickly and it was time to take her to the appointment. I told Caleb that i was taking the rat to the doctor, and he told me that the doctor was going to make it all better. I hoped he was right. Hubby stayed home with Caleb and my mother in law took me to the vet.

On the way over, Pandora kept trying to get out of the cloth cat carrier. She chewed a hold int he side that i had to keep covered with my hand. She did not like the car ride. We waited FOREVER in the waiting room with my hand over the hold in the side. i got a few looks from people who thought it was absolutely ridiculous to take a pet rat to the vet, but besides that, it went smoothly.

I asked for some tape at the counter to close the hole in the carrier. She handed me some tape and some cat treats for the rat. Pandora loved them. They were all very very nice.

We were called into the room about an hour after my appointment time but once in the veterinary assistant was so sweet. She told me how mush she loved rats and how cute Pandora was. She marveled at how friendly she was. Pandora weighed 10 ounces.

I waited some more watching her. I wondered if i would have to put her down. I cried a little. I hope nobody saw me.

Then the doctor came in. He looked at her and told me that they would have to remove the tail. Very matter of fact. he told me that he would numb the area with a lidocaine injection, then he would have to remove the tail and stitch it up. I nodded my head. I didn't even ask how much it would cost, I just wanted my rat to survive.

He took her to the back and i could hear her squeaking. I wasn't sure if it was the shot or if she just didn't like being held down, but it broke my heart. They brought her back with half a tail and stitches, and i put her back in her carrier. She didn't try to get out, she just laid down in the corner and watched me.

They prescribed an antibiotic for me and told me to pay my bill at the counter. I walked over and the nice receptionist asked about my rat's tail. I told her that they had to amputate. It sounded ridiculous. I almost wanted to laugh. All that worry and it was done with. She would be alright. Everyone would laugh at me for being so worried about a rat, but i was about to do a jig in the room.

The bill for the visit, the lidocaine, the procedure, the stitches, and the antibiotics totaled less than $20. I was shocked. I wanted to cry again, i felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. They gave me my little furbaby back and they had only charged me $18. I would have gladly paid quadruple that (don't tell them!) I am just so happy she's alright.

I called husband on the way back into town to tell him the good news. Caleb answered the phone. I told him to put daddy on the phone but he wouldn't. He asked if the doctor fixed Pandora's tail. I told him that they did.
"Is she all better now?" he asked.
"Yes Caleb. She's all better."
"Thank you, Mommy. Thank you for making Pandora all better," he told me. He sounded happy. I was happy too.

When i finally got husband on the phone, his voice was hoarse. When i told him what happened, he instantly perked up and thanked me for taking in the rat. He was so happy that she was going to be alright.

So now poor little Pandora is alone in a cage so she doesn't have to fend off the other rat who no doubt would wrestle with her until her stitches popped out, and i have to give her antibiotics every 12 hours but really its a small price to pay. I am beyond elated that my girl is back (even if she isn't a whole rat anymore ;)

I am still beyond horrified that this happened to her, but i am slowly moving past it. I think its going to take me a while though.

Blasphemy is fun

2009-01-25T16:55:00.000-08:00

i think i'm going to hell for blasphemy. I started making vampire jokes in church today with my sister in law.

I think i'm a terrible person. I kept thinking about writing a vampire story about Jesus. it would explain the whole raising from the dead on the third day thing. And it sure changes a lot of the old hymns. So many of them are about "the blood"

"theres is a fountain whose streams flow from emmanuals veins..."
"Power, power, wonder working power in the blood of the lamb..."
"O precious is the flow that makes me white as snow;
no other fount I know, nothing but the blood of Jesus"

oh yeah, i'm going to hell...

But on a completely seperate note, don't i clean up well? I wore this the other day to caleb's OT appointment. I felt like i was in costume all day, but people seemed to perceive me differently when i was dressed like a grown up. I will be experimenting with this at a later time...

That is the Wolfwood cross, by the way. An incredible piece of nerdy memorabilia from the anime Trigun. Wolfwood's cross is basically a carrying case with tons of guns in it. I figured very few people would recognize it so they wouldn't be offended, and those who did recognize it would only think i was cool. I might make some new nerdy friends.

Church Today

2009-01-25T16:33:00.000-08:00

I'm sort of ashamed to admit its the first time I've been in church in months. Ever since that "appreciation incident"

I'm not sure exactly what i've told you, but our pastor left the church after a scandal about him misusing church funds and leaving us in debt. This couple from Washington came by today and we voted the guy in as a new pastor today. His name is Ed. I forgot his last name already, but i'll have a while to figure it out. I read his resume and I liked him, he seems very open. Something keeps nagging at me, telling me that i NEED to meet his wife. That we'd totally hang out. I haven't even said hello to her, and yet i'm so sure we'll get along.

Anyway, we voted in a new pastor today. Or the church did.

We were members. We took the class and became members years ago. And then...when they did roll call right before the vote, they didn't' call our names.

I'm not incredibly offended, just shocked. Sure we haven't been to church in a few months, but crap. We served in the church nursery for YEARS up until a few months ago, and suddenly we're not members. I know they got to keep the list updated and all that after so many people left the church, but...you think they would call and ask before just deleting our names off the members list.

What I've been up to...

2009-01-23T09:45:00.000-08:00

"What do you do all day?" seems to be everyone's question. Lets see...

Caleb has appointments three days a week. Tuesday and Thursday afternoons he's at PALS a speech/language program through the school district. On those afternoons i've been visiting with my mom, which is always an adventure. On those mornings i clean up the house and chat with my friends on messenger in the morning, get diner started in the crockpot etc. I time passes quickly.

Sometimes on thursdays we go to visit my husband's grandmother for diner.

On Fridays he has occupational therapy (50 miles away in another town) so its a 45 minute commute up there and back every day, if traffic cooperates. Then he has a ball up there with Teacher Heather (who will soon be replaced by Teacher Courtney, we'll have to see how that goes) His appointment is at 1:30 so we have to leave a little after 12:30 every day. We get back sometime around 3:30, so our little field trip takes up my entire afternoon.

Friday is also my day to do laundry. I don't have my own mashine so i spend the day with my wonderful mother in law and get stuff done while we we chat and make sure caleb stays out of trouble.

Sunday is our roleplaying night. We get together with our friends and play pen and paper role playing games. We either play D&D or Vampire the Masquerade. We've played star wars a couple times and we're thinking about playing Beyond the Supernatural or Palladium Fantasy.

My free days are Monday (usually i spend all day cleaning in recovery from the weekend, and then monday night i spend time with my sister in law while we watch television) Wednesday, and Saturday (and i've been spending my saturday mornings in fresno exercising with a friend.

When husband is home, i spend all my time with him. I enjoy just being around him, he makes me happy. I get very little done when he's home, LOL. I just sort of bask in his presence for a while *blush* and de-compresss from my stressful day.

What do i do on my days off? Mostly i play on the internet but i try to get some housecleaning done. I write
short stories. I work on my novel, i watch TV on hulu.com (The
Dresden Files are awesome, and Firefly is worth watching as well I'm still searching for other things to watch)

I spend a lot of time with my son. People don't understand how hard it can be to have one kid. They think i have it easy because there is only one to watch but it doesn't exactly work like that. When you have one, you are their only playmate and social interaction for most of the day. If you dont' spend time with them they are alone all day.

I used to be a nanny. Watching 3 kids is so much
eaiser than watching just caleb. I used to work in the nursery with up
to 12 kids in there with me alone. It was easier to watch them for
four hours than it was to watch just one caleb for a day.

When you have more than one, your kids can play together and while they may get into mischeif the other one will usually distract them from doing anything truely dangerous. They invent little games and play together.

With Caleb, not so. He spends most of his free time plotting. Plotting what? If i knew, my life would be so much easier. He likes to sneak into the kitchen and forage for food regardless of what i fed him and how much ate. Its fun for him, so he does it. He's really really good at sneaking. He may grow up to be a ninja.

He likes to grab things and take them to his room so that i can't see him doing whatever he plans on doing. He'll take food in there and eat half of it and then leave the rest of the container on the floor (if i'm lucky, if i'm not he'll take what's left, and spread the peices of it all over the room in an attempt to hide evidence) He'll drag the cats int here and try to hug them. Cats do not like it. He likes to hide the cats places and see how long it takes them to get out.

He likes to liberate the pet rats. No matter how many locks i put on that cage, he manages to get them out. Its uncanny.

and then theres the usual, climbing up to high places, coloring on the walls, playing disk jockey with the one million DVDs he owns.

So i shoudl get out of the house more often yes? No. I don't know anyone in the area with young kids. I can't visit other people's houses who don't have kids because Caleb annoys them. I hate to say it but its true. I take him over to thier house with some toys and they expect him to play by himself for hours at a time with just the small amount of toys that i brought him. They have so many much cooler things to do that it's hard to keep him occupied with just that. They don't get it. People who don't have kids have unrealistic expectations about what kids can and should do. They get frustrated when he tries to invent his own little games and it gets under my skin.

There are very few things that upset me more than knowing that somebody doesn't like my kid. Really that is a blog by itself.

So the people in town with young kids....i don't know many. Yeah i know, its kind of my short coming, but...i'm shy. I don't really know how to make friends. I see someone at the park and i freeze, I can't make myself go up to people to talk to them. Caleb and I seem to have to same communication problems. Problems that have so little to do with vocabulary. We go to the park and he plays with the other kids until they get tired of dealing with his communication issues (which isn't nearly as long as caleb needs to get used to them) and I usually end up leaving the park with caleb in my arms crying because he didn't know how to play the game they were playing and they wouldn't explain it to him, or he didn't understand the rules. Or they would avoid him like the plague because they didn't know what to do with him.

I know one person in town with kids Caleb's age. He loves them, but we're still at that age where i have to make appointments for him to have playdates, which puts me in the awkward position of setting up. Social anxiety, much?

And then Caleb does better when he plays one on one with a kid, and they have more than one and i feel like an ass to ask to have one over and not the other.

And then theres caleb's communication issues (to say nothing about his evil genius tendancies) Other people don't get him. Kids his age don't get him, and can only handle him in small doses, adults get frustrated with him because of the difference between what he does and what they think he should be doing. Its not even that he gets in trouble, but the way he interacts with others gets under everyone's skin. Caleb is best in short bursts.

so that leaves me, entertaining caleb at home most days. Alone. Otherwise he uses his untapped intellect to discover new ways to drive me crazy and destroy the house while i'm not paying attention.

Honestly i don't pay as much attention as i probably should. I'm a grown woman and its hard to keep myself occupied with a five year old all day long without wanting to pull my hair out as well.

I am just praying that he likes books when he gets older. I could so handle that. Him going into his room to read all afternoon like his mom used to...or us sitting on the couch together reading. Or hell, get him some video games and he can play them by himself while i read my books. I'm not picky.

OK i am. I sound like a terrible parent right now and honestly i feel like one but...I just don't know what to do with him most days. He's a puzzle.

I hate the tone of this post, really. Especially the last half because it makes Caleb sound like a terror. Really he isn't. he's the sweetest, smartest, most affectionate kid i've ever had the pleasure to be around. he's just too smart for his own good. He finds way to occupy his time that make me bonkers because--in his exploration of the world--he likes to get his hands dirty and take risks, and it drives my protective mommy insticts into overdrive. Perhaps i should re-phrase it to say that he's too smart for my own good.

I'm hoping that his speech program will help him when it comes to his communication issues, but i'm not really sure. He has an incredible vocabulary, his speech is pretty clear. Its the whole concept of communicating with other human beings that he doesn't understand and that is something that speech therapy will not help him with.

but what do i do? The school district wants to "wait and see" I hate waiting and seeing because usually the problems they're waiting to see about can be helped better if they just went in right away. I feel like they are waiting for him to fail hard enough before they do anything that will cost them time or money.

But what can i do? I'm not a doctor and no matter how much i insist on the school district helping him, they just want to wait. I'm the parent but when it comes to his education they are supposed to be the authority. I've talked to his doctor but all they've said was that he is just a variation of normal behavior.

Yeah, i noticed. Doesn't mean we can't help him do better. Why not try for a variation of normal that would allow him to play with his peers?

So here I was writing a post about what I do all day and it ended up being all about my son. I'm not sure how that turned out, but its pretty accurate none the less. It equals out to the same thing during this phase in our lives anyway.

My Boy is Growing Up.

2009-01-20T11:19:00.000-08:00

He's in school two days a week for a speech program. He loves it. He's making friends and insists that he is not hitting them without being prompted (i had to double check with the teachers because it sounded suspicious, but true to his word, he did not hit any of his friends)

He has a new buddy in his class. Guess his name! His name is SAM! I'm melting.

Then we went over to my mom's house to visit for a while. He had fun destroying her livingroom as expected.

On the way back from my mom's house last thursday he saw some girls sitting on a hill. He tells me "Mommy! Look at those guys!" I told him that they were girls and his eyes lit up. "They're GIRLS?!" he asked and then he called out to them. "Heeeey Giiiiirls!" in his most flirty voice.

They said hello. "You're doing a good job up there," he told them. I just about died. They asked for his name and he told them and told them that they looked happy. And then he said goodbye and we carried along our merry way.

He has discovered girls. I am in trouble

Story Time

2009-01-19T13:55:00.000-08:00

Hubby came up with an idea for a story a few months back that has been on my mind ever since but he has never mentioned it again. It was about vampirism as a disease. How it would work, the symptoms.

We theorized about what would cause the reaction, decided that body reacted poorly to sunlight and it caused the symptoms of the disease. Those infected lived in darkness, not because the light hurt them, but because it caused the symptoms of rage.

A blood transfusion is needed to stop the symptoms, that is why they are called vampires.

It's been in my head, along with the line, "They hide in the dark, not because they are monsters but because they don't want to be monsters." It fascinated me like nothing else has in a while. I talked to hubby about it the other day about my new ideas for it and it turns out we're not agreeing on the details of it.

so i decided that if i wrote my story first, i would get dibs. So i took a couple days and wrote down 5000 words on my "vampire" story.

I'm really enjoying it. But now that I'm done, I'm not sure if it is a short story or a first chapter. It has absolutely nothing to do with what i wanted to be writing about, but sometimes things call to you, yes?

I took a copy of it to my friend who prides herself in her scathing reviews. I figure that if I can take her abuse, i could share it with other people. I haven't gotten my story back yet, but I'm anxiously waiting for it. Anxious being the operative word. I don't think her criticisms could be any worse than the ones i keep telling myself. I'm afraid to put myself out there.

as a fellow blogger once said about her anxieties about writing and publishing:

"I wonder, should I be grateful for that nasty litle voice whispering away to me? What can anyone else say that could compare to it? What better preparation for the great leap than this, this constant sneering?

No rejection letter will ever quite compare"

P.S. I'm afraid to put my story on the internet lest i ever get the...courage to publish it for real one day, but if you would be interested in reading it, send me an e-mail. geewhizsam (at) gmail (dot) com.

artwork from http://thesometimes.net

Nine Years

2009-01-14T19:34:00.000-08:00

As of today, Hubby and I have been together for 9 years.

I'm still amazed that its been so long. Then again, I do my best not to remember what life was like before we got married so...yeah. I guess that would explain why it doesn't feel like 9 years. I only remember like 6 of them.

PS He's still my favorite.

Claudia and the Rat Part II

2009-01-14T19:01:00.000-08:00

A few months ago I caught my newest kitten in the rat cage with the rats, cuddling. It was super cute but absolutely frightening. I didn't know if she would eat it or what, but she ended up sitting in there cuddling with it, and i eventually had to drag her away from her new little baby.

Today i found her doing the same thing with the other rat. Pandora wasn't nearly so cuddly with her, but she tolerated her presence surprisingly well.

Eventually though, she grew tired of it and said "the hell with this" and escaped under the computer desk. It was not fun trying to get her out, but at least she was cute.

Fills me with happiness

2009-01-13T13:06:00.001-08:00

Yesterday my friend Sarah came over with her kids. The oldest, S is 11, and the youngest, Z is 8...I think. Well Z is the youngest in the family and has never really tolerated younger kids. She thinks they are annoying because they eat her food whenever she puts it down and never follow the rules when they play games, and generally don't contribute much when playing make beleive.
Caleb is just getting to an age where he can, and she is finally starting to enjoy his company. Yesterday they call came over and Caleb chased Z around the house all day. Z loves being a dog or some other kind of animal, and Caleb enjoys bossing her around.

Z: Tell me to do something, Caleb.
Caleb: DO SOMETHING!

So they were doing that while me and thier mom played the sims. We love the sims.

Well we were trying to get our alien twins' boyfriend through college (so they could date, he was too young for her) when it got too loud and we sent the kids outside into the sunshine. Even the oldest girl, S, decided to go, even though she brought her Nintendo DS with her. About 5 minutes later S comes in the house and asks for a broom, two chairs, and blankets.

There was to be fort building. So i set them up with the tools of the trade--two blankets, a table cloth, a large stick, and four chairs--and let them get to work. They had a ball. It made me so happy. It was the kind of thing that i loved to do as a kid, make forts and stuff. Plus this one was outside, which made it even more cool. Caleb and Z ran around chasing eachother for a while, while S set up shop inside the fort with her DS. S reminds me of myself when i was younger. Its just the sort of thing i would do. I enjoy time by myself as well, even if i do want to be included.

Anyway, They had a ball. I loved watching them (and i loved how quiet the house was once we kicked Caleb and Z out of the house for a while)

I'm going to miss them when they move away next month, but i'm determined to enjoy ever moment i have with them while they're still here. Seeing them play makes me look forward to the future. Someday it will be caleb making the forts and pretending to be a doggy. One day i can invite his friends over and they can play in the front yard together with minimal supervision.

This whole motherhood thing isn't so bad sometimes

I hate dieting

2009-01-12T19:29:00.000-08:00

I really really hate it.

I'm using sparkpeople this time. One doesn't realize how crappy the food you're eating is until you actually write down your calories.

Anyway, what triggered this little rant was that I did really well today. I had a protein shake for breakfast. For lunch i had a baked potato and vegetables with a cheese sauce. For a snack i had a pickled egg (i heart those smelly things) and some coffee (not together, but i had both :P).

I was doing great (yay for me, pat myself on the back, etc. etc.)

For diner i made vegetarian burritos. Basically its spainish rice and black beans in tortillas. It tastes delicious and (hubby's favorite part) its super cheap. Just like the picture except mine doesn't look nearly that delicous. I'm lazy...

Well i knew that the white rice would be bad for me, so I didn't take much. I added more beans to mine than i did for the rest of the family. I go to add it into my sparkpeople page today and i am feeling pretty good about my diner choices AND THEN i add the tortilla and realize that the tortilla has more calories than the beans and rice combined. 3 flour tortillas was more calories than any of the meals that i had eaten all day. Three stupid tortillas.

Screw that. So i had a bowl of beans a rice instead. I also ate a leftover drumstick from last night (which oddly enough was about half the calories that a single tortilla was) and i'm good now.

Except for the fact that hubby went to the movie store, and because he's a sweetheart (and incredible forgetful that i'm on a diet) he brought me my favorite candies and some popcorn.

*sigh* So i have between 200 and 500 calories left in the day. I kept it that way so i could snack if i got hungry later. But i wasn't planning on candy. Now i have to figure out exactly how much candy i can eat without breaking my diet.

I suck at math. I'm trying to figure out what i'm going to eat now so that when i get to my sister in law's house to watch movies with her she doesn't think i'm some kind of nut with a calculater in one hand and a bag of candy in the other.

OK, so i'm doing it right now anyway. I AM whacko, just not in public...where other people can see me.

You will keep my secret, won't you internet?

Sleep Plan: Failed

2009-01-12T12:21:00.000-08:00

Caleb has been staying awake until the wee hours of the morning and sleeping in until noon. Apparently he's a little bit too much like his mommy. Except that now that I'm a grown up, i get tired more easy and i end up falling asleep before he does and then hijinks ensue. (I swear I don't beat him, he got into the markers after i went to bed for some late night unsupervised coloring.)

I planned on getting him up early this morning regardless of how little sleep he had the night before. My logic was that if I woke him up at a decent hour, he would be exhausted at a decent hour. I thought it would work better than trying to put him to bed early (which had not been working)

I figured I could deal with one day of crankiness to fix his sleep problem, but instead i slept in. Then when i woke up at 10:00 i was enjoying the silence of the house too much to wake him up. I finally dragged him out of my cave of a bedroom thirty minutes before the noon bell went off to sit on the sunny couch. He was not happy and neither was I. In my procrastination he only woke up half an hour earlier than he would have normally and now he's cranky and hates me for waking him.

Joy.

I would try again tomorrow, but its his first day at PALS, and i do not want him cranky on his first day of school.

Perhaps Wednesday will be the day for the experiment, but my friend Sarah is coming over that day and then her daughter, Zoe, would have to deal with his crankiness, and she's only beginning to like him.

One of these days i hope that we can kick the addiction all together.

Help me pick out new glasses

2009-01-09T11:18:00.000-08:00

I am so excited!

but i have too many choices and i can't choose.

This is what i wore before

but i want to go for something different I also have a pair of sunglasses that i love that are totally different and i want some like that
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v68/ladybugs984/Sam/smyellowred.jpg

so um yeah

help me pick. I wear mostly dark red and pale green so i was looking for something that would go with it.

I fell in love with the red and black ones here http://zennioptical.com/cart/product.php?productid=701&cat=0&page=1

and now i want another pair, maybe something that will go with everything that i wear.

I was thinking maybe http://zennioptical.com/cart/product.php?productid=600&cat=20&page=1
but thats a little bit of the same.

and the burgandy ones http://zennioptical.com/cart/product.php?productid=635&cat=28&page=1

the clear red ones here http://zennioptical.com/cart/product.php?productid=535&cat=20&page=1
i noticed i'm picking out a lot of red...

http://zennioptical.com/cart/product.php?productid=87&cat=0&page=1
i like the green ones, but if i got the gold ones, it would go with just about everything i own of coarse that kind of thinking is what got me stuck with the humdrum glasses i had before)

and i love these ones (the first black and multicolored ones)
http://zennioptical.com/cart/product.php?productid=1186&cat=0&page=1
but i don't want two crazy pairs of glasses. I want one pair of really cute ones and then some normal-ish ones. but you know, not too normal. its still me afterall, and i am awesome. I can't have completely normal glasses.

help! too many choices!

why i don't have to worry about caleb dating

2009-01-08T11:11:00.001-08:00

live long and prosper little dude

Its real!

2009-01-08T11:05:00.001-08:00

I got my drivers licence in the mail today. I look like i just got beat up for my lunch money, but its real and its a drivers licence. Woohoo!

The Tumor

2009-01-08T00:23:00.000-08:00

I try to make jokes about it. I tell Hubby that God has blessed him with an extra testicle in his neck. I tell him that it used to worry me, but now that i've sworn fealty to it, i'm sure that when it finally takes over his brain that i will be safe. I make jokes about it being an egg pod. I make jokes that i finally got him pregnant.

When people ask about it, I tell him that i don't know what it is. I just call it master.

When i'm trying to get his attention and he doesn't look at me, I call out to the tumor. (I'm not going to be laughing when one day it responds)

He teases me back. He swears that its a caffeine co-proccessor. I think it bothers him though. He tries to cut his hair a certain way to hide it now.

it bothers me too, I know that it's not supposed to be dangerous, but hubby also told the doctor that it wasn't growing. But back in august it was the size of a quarter, now its the size of a large egg.

and after dreaming that he had died, it only makes it worse to see it. It is so close to his brain and spinal column. what if it isn't as harmless as he led the doctor to believe?

God help us.

Hubby's Playlist

2009-01-08T00:17:00.000-08:00

I love my music playlists, and share them with everybody (theres a link at the top if you want to see) well i pushed play on winamp, expecting my mellow playlist and instead i got elvis singing. Or at least it sounded like it.

I check the playlist and its something i never heard before. Pam Tillis, Weezer, Bryan White, LeAnne Rhymes, Kutless, Brandon Heath.

It was hubby's playlist. I didn't think he even liked this kind of music. But I liked it. It was like peaking into a secret part of his life. He left it up for me, so i'm sure he wanted me to see.

Down at the bottom were all these recordings that i had made of caleb singing and praying and saying cute things that I had done a long time ago.

"I love you daddy" he said
"You are my sunshine," he sang.
"Dear lord, please help heal mommy's ouchy. Injesusname, AMEN. Is it better?"

and the most recent one: "God bless us, every one."

My heart melted.

"I may be big, but i'm spry"

2009-01-07T18:13:00.000-08:00

I wouldn't exactly call myself a big girl, just a little fluffy every now and then. twice in the last week I've gone to visit an old friend and played wii fit with her. She is tall and skinny and she hasn't had kids. Her abdomen doesn't swell like mine. She is healtier, thinner, and (dare I say?) prettier than I ever hope to be.

I was surprised to find out that I'm more in shape than she is.

So what's my problem? If i exercise more often, can lift more weight for longer periods of time, if i can run for longer without getting as tired, why am i the fat one? If my stomache muscles are tighter, why does my stomache stick out so much?

Is the food I'm eating really that bad?

Me thinks so.

Anyway, after our workout we went into the backyard and let Caleb run around. He got a stick that was at least three times as long as he was tall and ran around the backyard screaming like a savage, beating on trees, hiding from the airplanes that few over head, and generally being a boy.

I like boys.

Life After Death

2009-01-06T10:09:00.001-08:00

not as pretty or theological as it sounds

I had a bad dream last night. I woke up an hour ago and still I'm having to make an effort to not curl up in the fetal position and sob.

It might feel better, but i don't want to wake Caleb up.

I had a bad dream.
There was some sort of accident.
The police called me at home.

My husband was gone.
My son was gone.
My life was gone.

The most terrible part of the dream wasn't that they had died, but that I had to outlive them. I had to make plans about what i had to do. I had to get a job, and cook diner, and clean the house, and go on living my life as if they were never in it and I just couldn't do it.

I kept thinking that there was just no life after Hubby. I wondered whose grave I had really dug.

When I woke up, I was alone. Caleb didn't sleep with us last night and my husband had already gone to work. I crept into Caleb's room to check on him. he was drooling into his pillow with his butt in the air. He was fine.

I wanted to call Hubby at work to hear his voice, but I couldn't stop crying long enough. So I waited and waited until i thought I could handle it. When I called him at work they had to page him to find him. it felt like I was on hold forever. I couldn't shake my dream. I wasn't certain that he would be there to pick up the phone.

When he finally answered, I told him that I loved him and my voice broke. He asked what was wrong and I told him that I had a bad dream. He told me he loved me and went on about his day at work, when the only thing i could manage to say was that I loved him too. He told me that he really liked diner last night but he thinks it made him sick. I managed to laugh at him, and then he had to go back to work.

I wish he could have just come home. But after two five-day-weekends in a row, we really can't afford that right now.

Caleb is still asleep and the house is just way too quiet. The dream is still upsetting me. It's upset me so much that I was actually thankful for my mom's phone call this morning, even though she only called to tell me that the dog that she's had since i was a kid had run away last night and they can't find him anywhere.

Anyway, i guess there's not much else to tell, I feel a little better, now that I've felt daylight on my face and heard my husband's voice, but that dream really shook me.

(PS, if any of you see a mangy looking, toothless, arthritic, half blind Chihuahua running around, please give me a call, we are looking for him)

No time for a real blog

2009-01-02T17:02:00.000-08:00

so i'm going to make a list:

1. Hubby made me happy by requesting potato soup for diner (because its the first thing i ever made for hm and he remembered)

2. I drove to the store today all by myself. Its still novel and very very cool.

3. My son is adorable. He loves his lincoln logs and i'm happy to see him play with them although i wish that he wouldn't ask me for help EVERYTIME he wanted something built.

4. Husband got an x-box 360 for christmas and i'm enjoying the fact that i get more computer time when he's there, although i don't get as much internet time...

5. This morning i set out to write my story, but instead i did some pirating and only wrote maybe....20 words...yeah i suck.

6. I still think its funny to mention scurvy everytime somebody says something about stealing music off the internet. (ha ha, i am witty)

7. We finally got the cable to connect our super cool flat screen monitor. Woot!

8. I'm making plans to see an old friend tommorow. In another town. All. by. myself. Squeeeee!

9. bottle of malibu + bottle of diet pepsi = happy new year

11. I got on and played my wii fit for the first time in a while. Exercised 30 minutes on it today. Its crap, but its a start. I need to re-lose the 25 lbs i lost last year. Yes, all of them. *blush*

12. I'm both proud of myself and super frustrated that i have future chapters of my story already written out. On one hand i'm happy that they're done just the way i want them, but i'm frutrated i can't get them to fit together. *sigh*

I think i am really enjoying this random list thing... There may be more of this in the future

A few not-so-candid shots

2009-01-01T18:15:00.001-08:00

Self Portraits

2009-01-01T17:44:00.003-08:00

Caleb is always stealing my camera. Sometimes he's taking unflattering pictures of me, or the dust bunnies under the computer desk or random artsy pictures of shampoo bottles but mostly its self portraits. These are just a few taken over the past couple of days. Most of them I delete, but i thought i would share them with you.

out of the closet and into the wagon

2009-01-01T16:32:00.001-08:00

No, not THAT closet.

You know all that weight i worked so hard to lose last year? 25 lbs?

Well I've found it again. I hated to admit it (and no i'm not making a resolution, i hate those things) its just incredibly frustrating to not be able to fit into the pants i wore just a few months ago.

Also, wii fit is mean. I hadn't stepped on it in months because i KNEW i had gained weight. Well when i stepped on it last, i had gained 15 lbs since my last visit. My little mii ballooned.

My ego deflated.

On the same note, a few months ago i was shopping with my friend sarah and the kids. I was looking for a pair of pants for caleb in the kids section of some discount store. he's just barely in "big kid" sizes so i told caleb to look for the very little pants in this section. So as i'm hunting caleb comes across a pair of pants and brought them to me. "Mommy! These are BIG pants! They're for you!"

The sad part is that they were a size 6 in womens. I could only wish i could fit into them.

so without using the word resolution (or buying ANY MORE fitness equipment than i already own) I think its time to get back on the wagon with my whole weight loss and heathy lifestyle thing.

And on that note, i've got to go. It's time to put the pizza into the oven...

My Favorite Word

2008-12-27T10:29:00.000-08:00

I heard it said that a person's favorite word is their name. I though it was kind of lame and egotistical but you know what, i've found it to be true.

I get tickled whenever i see my name in print, whether its Sam's Shoes or Sam's Club (a lot of my food is Sam's Choice, hehehe) it never fails to amuse me.

I've been reading the Twilight Saga. In the book there is a charecter named Sam Uley that never fails to give me the giggles when his name is read.

And more recently, Hubby picked me up a book for Christmas and on the very last page was a long monologue that made my day for no other reason than it was delivered to a person who had the same name as I do.

"You promised no comment. See, here's how it is. You're a fine person, more than fine, you're grace personified. And what you're doing with your life is important. It's necissary that you're happy, because in your happiness, you're going to show so many other people the way, through your books. Be happy, Sam. Find Someone. Marry. Have kids. What an incredible mother you will be. Have kids, Sam, embrace life, and write your brilliant books. Because if there's any hope for me, when my time comes, it's not because I live here among monks, not one myself and never can be. No, if there's any ultimate redemption, it will be because I passed through your life without scarring you, and did not diminish who you are. No comment now, not a one."

*sigh*

Ah well, you know what they say: "simple minds, simple pleasures."

Driving Me Crazy

2008-12-27T08:45:00.001-08:00

So i took my drivers test yesterday. I just about pee'd myself in the waiting room. But the guy was really nice and the route wasn't all that hard. I passed.

two simple words, but it contains a lot of emotion. I can drive now! I don't have to sit around and wait for hubby to "feel like" going out anymore. I can visit my friends (who all now live out of walking distance, jerks ;) ) I'm just so very excited about it.

Re: The Christmas Present Incident.

Well I talked to my friend about it. Who told my Mother in law, who i only told part of the story (really, no mother wants to hear about buying lingerie) who talked to my father in law, who called hubby at work to chew him out.

Hubby came home late that night, because he ran to walmart 2 days before christmas to pick something else for me. He picked me up a book (and insisted that he already ordered something online for me!--i guess he assumed i picked something out and ordered it after he threw his hissyfit and went to bed) So i'm still annoyed with him, but we're good with the whole present thing.

Lets see, what else? Oh yeah! I was given an excessive amount of Christmas money. for my own personal use, seperate from Hubby's money and stuff. I thought long and hard about what I wanted and...i'm using it to pay for an eye doctor's appointment.

I know, I know. Boring. But what can i say, i need new glasses and I can't afford it otherwise. I'm planning on getting something incredibly cute from zenni optical (maybe a couple cute ones) after I make my appointment.

I love:
these really boring brown ones
the clear red
the burgandy ones
maybe the green ones (i wear a lot of green and red...)
these green and silver ones are adorable and so are the red and black ones...

but i'll put more thought into it before i order. I think i want a pair that will go with almost anything and then one really cute pair regarless of what it matches. :)

I'm so excited about it :D

Into the great unknown

2008-12-26T08:53:00.000-08:00

today is my driver's test appointment.

I'm finally comfortable behind the wheel of the car. After having my permit for nearly 3 years (collectively) its about time, i'll tell you what.

But i can't help but be a little nervous. Time is running out, because I NEED to pass the test before my permit expires, in less than a month. if i fail this its going to take a lot of luck to get another appointment before my permit expires.

Procrastination is the devil.

My mother in law told me not to tell people that i was taking the test today. she said that everyone will be asking me about it if they know, and if i don't pass ("and i'm not saying that you won't!") that it will save me a lot of phone calls.

Good advise

but i can't help it. I had to tell people. This is a big deal. At least to me it is...and anyway. I need prayer. Lots of it. ugh, pray for me.

my friends are all moving away, i need this license. One friend is already in reedley, another will soon be in Sacramento and my sister in law, who i escape to when the house is too crazy (because she lives liek 500 yards east of me) is moving to the country.

I need to pass this test, otherwise there is no escape!

Hinting

2008-12-23T10:32:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: My husband isn't always like this. I love him with all my heart. I'm just really pissed off right now (and rightfully so) and i need to vent before it blows up in his face...

So when i say that i have been giving my husband hints about something, i don't mean I'm being subtle. My kind of hint goes something like "hey it would be really nice if you told your wife 'happy mothers day'" or "That new harvest moon game just came out, it would be really cool if you got that for me for my birthday" or "I think I might enjoy something that rhymes with B-ewlery or perhaps something that rhymes with 't-lingerie.'"

For the past few weeks I've been telling my husband "I'm making a Christmas list for you, so you can get me something for Christmas." That's my hint people. forget subtly. He is a man. he will not get it otherwise. Even still he doesn't get it. He never did tell me happy mothers day this year. (Unless you count: "Happy mothers day, eat crap Sam" as saying happy mothers day. I do not.) So in the wee hours of Monday morning i gave my husband another hint for Christmas: "If i don't have something under the Christmas tree, i will be extremely angry."

You know what he said? "You're just saying that because you're tired."

Ummm, NO! I'm saying that because i put a lot of thought and planning into your gift every single year and you never buy me anything. EVER. I spent over $100 on him last year for Christmas and he didn't buy me a gift at all. I hate being childish about it, but its hurtful that I'm the only one who didn't have anything under the Christmas tree. Sometimes i think i would get better results if I just asked his tumor...

So last night i get fed up. I tell him "lets go to walmart and pick out my gift" because you know, tommorow is christmas eve and all. And you know what? He didn't feel like it. So instead of punching him in the gonads (like i probably should have done) I ask him if i could use the computer. He throws a hissy fit because he REALLY wants to get on his game right now (world of warcraft) but he allows me to do it. I go to this site with all this sexy lingerie. I browze for a little while in the clearance section and then tell hubby that maybe could order something online for me, and then he would only have to get me something small for christmas, like some candy or something. He says "sure thats a great idea" but then goes on to say that he really needs to get on his game now. Maybe later...

So, later comes around and he's still on the game. The baby is asleep the house is quiet besides his incessant typing. His friends have all gotten offline and have gone to bed. He is alone on the computer playing with strangers. He's yawning, which means he is about to stumble to the bedroom and go to sleep. I remind him that we were going to order things online tonight and he hems and haws about still wanting to play his game but he reluctantly agrees to turn off the game.

So we return to the website with all the sexy lingerie and he seems to be a little interested. Not very interested, but he's staying awake. So i go looking at all this satiny and lacy things and his interest wanes. I ask him what he likes and he says "i don't know." I find something i like and ask him if he likes it and he says "i don't know." etc. etc. You'd think that he would be a little bit more excited about lingerie.

After about ten minutes of browsing the website he tells me that he's too tired to really care right now and that I just need to pick something. And then he gets up and goes to bed.

Merry Christmas to me.

Change

2008-12-17T10:36:00.001-08:00

"Well, I've been 'fraid of changin'
'cause I built my life around you
but time makes bolder
children get older
I'm getting older too..."
-Landslide, Dixie Chicks

So they weren't the first ones to sing those words, but I like the way they harmonize.

Life is changing once again. For one thing, I've enrolled Caleb back into school. He's going to be going 2 days a week to a special speech preschool. Then he's still got OT once a week.

Oh and Hubby and I just celebrated our 6th annerversary. God, I love that man. I am a very blessed woman.

Ah and church. I haven't been but twice sinse i stepped down from leadership. Things happened there. Not with me, but involving my family none-the-less. My Pastor stepped down. The church is in a huge amount of debt, and according to those in the know, its his fault. He had been misusing church funds.

I hate to even blog about that because it sounds like gossip, but it does have an affect on me personally. I put a lot of time and effort into that church, not to mention my own money that was misused. In turn, i feel misused. I feel alienated. Its hard to think about all those things going on while i was there, things that i had been completely oblivious to. I loved Bob Barker, or I loved the man he presented himself as. It turns out they aren't the same person.

We haven't really attended in years, because before we left, we had been hiding in the nursery. Our own little fortress of solitude in the back of the church where nobody would bother us. I think we may be looking for another church. Husband is loyal though, to our church if not our pastor. it is the place we both got saved. Well, it has the name of the place we got saved. Its no longer that place either physically or figuratively. Its just the name that is the same.

Personally things have been changing for me. I'm finally going to get my drivers licence. Yeah, I know. I'm a grown woman, you can't understand how someone can live so long without it. I don't really know either. Everything i needed was within walking distance in the small town that I live in. I didn't really need a car, but a couple times a week, and I always had volunteers to take me wherever I wanted to go. it wasn't a neccessity. It still isn't, but i'm getting it none the less. Taking hold of a little more independance.

Also theres school. Caleb's in school. I always told my friends that i would go to school when caleb was in school himself. I never really meant it though. I don't want a career. I dont. I don't mind getting a job or anything, but i'm a mom, and thats my main purpose in life. I didn't see the point in paying for college if i wasn't planning on having a career. We're tight on money enough. Praise the Lord, we don't have college loans to pay off. And yet...I kind of miss school. I like learning. I like having a set schedule. I've been flirting with the idea of getting a job somewhere as well, but i don't think i'm ready to do anything full time yet, so I'm not going down that route. But school...i love the idea. Taking some writing classes, some english lit, etc. Maybe some computer classes...

Its sort of the plan now. I'm going to be looking for scholerships and grants this year, and next fall, i'm going to be enrolling in college. Me and Amber might take a few classes together, but we'll see.

My story is dragging. I decided i wan't happy with it and started re-writing it. Lately i've decided that i'd never get anything finished if i go back and pick at my work. I'm going to finish my story through to the end, and then I'm going to re-write it. Simultaniously working on the first and second draft was too exausting and i was getting nothing done.

Also my personal work is becoming more formed. Its got gypsies and pirates and ghosts in it. Its fun to think of, although the plot isn't exactly crystal clear yet. Its going to be fun to write. I blame most of my story line on reading Treasure Island and The Scarlett Letter in the same week, LOL. Its got a little A Winters Tale and a little Tom Sawyer in it as well. Acclectic but fun.

oh and i'm reading more classics. Jane Eyre, The Scarlett Letter, The Giver, Treasure Island, Tome Sawyer, Gullivers Travels, Little Women. Along with The Poisonwood Bible, Memoirs of a Geisha. Thrift Stores are awesome places to pick up old books.

I've got quite a collection now and cant wait to get into it. Right now, i'm reading A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens. Next I might read White Fang, but i'm not quite sure yet. We'll see.

I'm feeling more independant

This Hope is Killing Me

2008-11-24T16:13:00.000-08:00

This morning I woke up and walked into my living room. There was a Moses Basket on the floor filled with soft cuddly blankets and baby toys all over the floor and I had to take a moment to orient myself. This was my house. These were my things, but I had only brought them out because my sister in law was over. These things were for my niece, Abigail. It makes me happy to be able to have these things for her, otherwise they’d be collecting dust in the closet, but it can be hard sometimes.

It wasn’t hard to see my niece, because I love her to pieces, and I’ve accepted my role as her aunt. It was hard because I had both my sisters in law over and they were both planning on getting pregnant. Well one sister in law was planning on getting pregnant (regardless of the fact that neither her nor her husband had a job) and the other confessed to us that her period was already a month late and she was just waiting to take a pregnancy test.

I envied them both more than I could say.

My husband and I have been trying to have another for over three years. We’ve been all over the merry go round that comes along with trying for a baby. The first few months are exciting, and then comes anxiety, and then worry, and then—when it is apparent that you are barren—grief. You grieve for a lot of things. Grief because my dreams of having a large family had died. I felt guilty that I could never give my husband the desires of his heart, and that my son would never know what it is like to be a brother. I grieved because this chapter in my life is over so much sooner than I had hoped. I was never able to talk to people my age about children. By now, people my age are just starting their families, and mine was done. My son would never play with their children; he is too old to play with babies. Once again, I would be excluded. Mostly, I grieved for the children I lost to miscarriage.

I used to blame others for my unhappiness. It was rude and selfish, but it served its purpose. It stopped me from being hateful towards myself. “I would be fine,” I would often tell myself, “if they would stop asking me about when I’m having another.” I couldn’t be angry at such innocent comments for very long. They meant well. They didn’t know. We don’t tell a lot of people about our infertility. The comments that warned about what a terrible disservice I was doing my son by not giving him a younger brother or sister were the most painful. But that was only because they echoed the thoughts already worming their way into my head.

Why do I do this to myself? I have been doing so well. After three years the pain starts to fade, if you let it. The problem is that I can’t let it. Just when I think my wounds have healed, something happens. A pregnancy announcement or a birth. Twice it was a positive pregnancy test of my own, which only ended in heartbreak soon after. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I hadn’t a uterus at all, at least then I would know without a shadow of a doubt that it could never happen for us. I would be able to accept it better. It’s hope that hurts me. Every time I cycle, there is a shimmer of hope that perhaps a miracle will happen for me, but after waiting for so long, the hope fizzles out.

Abigail also left a receiving blanket here. I picked it up and put it to my nose this morning. It smelt like baby formula and disposable diapers. I folded it neatly and then put it on the couch to wait for her. I should have just sent all the baby toys home with her too. Instead I just collected them and put them away in the closet in my five year old son’s room. The pastels and pretty prints up there look so out of place there among all the action figures and dinosaurs and school supplies but I can’t bear to get rid of them. It would feel like giving up.

Caleb's Birth

2008-11-18T22:45:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling nostalgic, what can I say? Graphic and honest, be warned.

5 years ago today I remember lying on a hospital bed, exhausted. I hadn’t eaten in over twenty four hours, and I had only gotten four hours of restless sleep the night before. I had been up for 22 hours by this point. I have never been more mentally or physically exhausted in my entire life. My entire body was shaking as the adrenaline coursed through me but I didn’t have the strength to even sit up. So instead, they brought my son to me, and I was able to meet him for the first time.

To be perfectly honest, I don’t remember much about that day. Stadol will do that to you, I am told. I remember walking into Labor and Delivery for my induction and the nurses gave each other a look and said “already?” It was 5am, still dark outside.

I remember watching animal planet on the TV in the room while we waited. They had birth stories for animals. I found it amusing. That is, until I watched the episode where none of the babies survived the mother Chihuahua’s traumatic birth. I don’t remember what I watched after that.

The train station was less than a block away from the hospital, if I stood up, I was able to see it from my room. I listened to the trains passing every now and then, but I tuned it out after a while.

I remember feeling under pressure because I knew my mother (who has anxiety issues) has been in the waiting room since 5am waiting for me to give birth, and nothing much seemed to be happening. My mother and father in law were down there, keeping her company. I think my dad came to visit as well, but left long before the baby was born. They were under strict orders not to come upstairs for any reason. I was feeling anxious enough having them there.

After eight hours of labor the doctor broke my water, and that’s when it started to hurt. Husband was worried. He sat on the side of the bed looking worried. He asked me repeatedly if I was okay, if there was anything that he could do, if I was absolutely sure I didn’t want any drugs. After two hours of that, I asked for pain medication.

Stadol. I hate stadol. It didn’t help. It made me feel like I had taken way too much night time cold medication. It didn’t help the pain at all, just made me feel too tired and too strung out to form coherent enough words to tell anyone how much it hurt. In between contractions, I laid my head down and closed my eyes, although I wasn’t really tired before, now I was absolutely exhausted. I slept for a minute or so at a time between contractions, and during contractions I curled into a ball and wished it would go away.

In retrospect, an 8 hour birthing class offered by a hospital is not nearly enough preparation. Hubby’s eyes were wide like a trapped animal. I’m sure I didn’t look much better.

After a couple hours of that, I asked for an epidural. It took what seems like forever to get the anesthesiologist into the room. The needle scared me, especially the thought of putting it into my spine, but I was too drugged out to really care at this point. I laid back down on the bed and closed my eyes and slept.

I don’t know how long I was out, but during this time hubby went to go eat something. He hadn’t eaten anything since the night before either.

I woke up and needed help to the bathroom a few times. It was dark out now, but I had no idea what time it was. I remember throwing up, a lot. I remember the nurses coming in every twenty minutes or so to tell me to move over so they could listen to the baby better. They put an oxygen mask on me, which seemed to scare the hell out of my husband.

Somewhere around 8pm, I felt the urge to push and so the nurses came in to assist. I pushed for two hours. I think this is why I didn’t have the strength to sit up, my muscles had worked harder than they ever have before. It felt as if I did about a thousand sit ups, and besides that I was absolutely exhausted from lack of food and sleep. My entire body shuttered and jerked, as if someone had grabbed my shoulders and shook me. It was the adrenaline pouring through me. I didn’t really care, I just wanted my baby. I just wanted them to give me my baby.

An hour and a half after I started pushing, the doctor came in. Just in time to catch the baby. Extract is more like it, as they had to use a vacuum to get his head unstuck. Just like his father, my son had a big head.

When I hear birth stories, I hear mothers tell me that when they first view their child they see it as the most beautiful thing they have ever beheld. Not my son. He looked like a salamander. His head was elongated and swollen. His skin was so thin that you could see the veins underneath and all of him was a very scary looking blue color. He didn’t cry. The doctor asked if my husband wanted to cut the cord. Husband said no. He was afraid of hurting one of us, so the doctor cut the cord.

They didn’t place him on my chest. They took him to an incubator to get him checked out. I was in a lot of pain still but it didn’t really matter. I just worried for my baby. As soon as they put him down in the incubator he started to cry. I think I did to, but I don’t remember. I was just so relieved that he was crying. There is nothing that would scare a mother more than seeing her first born come out all limp and silent. The anesthesiologist made another appearance, my meds had run out, he was here to give me some more. He went over to the baby and said something about how much vernix was on him. I remember being a little angry that he was able to see my baby and I wasn’t. Then it was time to delivery the placenta, and the nurses came to assist the doctor, leaving my crying baby all alone in the isolate. I was more than a little angry then. Why was my baby across the room from me crying? Husband didn’t want to leave my side.

After the placenta was delivered, the doctor asked if we wanted to see it. Eww. No, we did not want to see it. I had seen placentas before; they weren’t nearly as cool as they sounded. I wanted to see my baby. I was too weak to sit up on my own so they inclined the bed so I could sit up and they placed him in my arms.

Caleb Alexander Thaddeus

I wished I had something beautiful and poignant to say to him, but I didn’t. He lay there crying in my arms and I told him not to cry. “Mommy and Daddy have you.” I remember the doctor chiding me about saying that. It’s good for him to cry, he told me. Maybe he was right, but it was not good for me to hear him cry. I was his mom; I was supposed to comfort him. Everything within me pushed me to comfort this little helpless thing that they had pulled out of me in such a traumatic way.

My husband made some nerd joke about my son having the “cry of a warrior.” I think he was quoting Dragon Ball Z. I love that man.

I remember the doctor stitching me up. I could feel every move he made with the needle, but it didn’t hurt. Not that I noticed anyway. I noticed very little beyond the crying child in my arms. I remember being a little disappointed as I held him that he didn’t look like his dad. I had expected a pale, bald baby. Instead there lay my red faced little guy with thick black hair. He looked like me. Ah well, he was cute regardless.

The doctor barely had a chance to put the blanket down after stitching me up before a crowd of people entered the room. My mom, my mother in law, and my father in law. I don’t remember who else. Perhaps there wasn’t anybody else, but it seemed like a lot of people. I didn’t have time to prepare at all. I will still lying there with my feet in stirrups, covered in blood and sweat and other unmentionable bodily fluids, and suddenly I had an audience.

I was bitter then. I didn’t like that I hadn’t had a chance to have any alone time with my baby, with my new family. It felt like they had just placed him in my arms and already there was a line of people who wanted to take him from me. I admit it, I’m still bitter. You guys suck.

Everything else is a blur. Sometime later everyone left, my husband included, they did not allow him to stay the night in a double room. I remember the nurse bringing something to eat, because I hadn’t eaten in such a long time. It was the best tasting turkey sandwich I had ever eaten in my entire life. That nurse must have been an angel.

I remember being wheeled to my postpartum room with my son in my arms. The nurse laid him in a bed next to mine and I laid there staring at him for a very long time. A nurse came in every once in a while to check on the baby, make sure he didn’t have a fever or something or another. I remember her chiding me, telling me to go to sleep, it was already the wee hours of the morning and I needed my rest. I had a long day. By that time I had been awake for over 24 hours, but I wasn’t tired anymore. I couldn’t stop staring at the beautiful baby next to me. It all seemed surreal. That baby was mine? They were going to let me take it home?

The next couple days were a blur. I remember people visiting, but I don’t remember what was said. I remember getting a blue balloon that said, “it’s a boy.” I remember that going to the bathroom hurt a lot. The first time I went I was unable to gather the strength to stand again. My legs shook uncontrollably and I was unable to get my legs underneath me.

The baby slept all the time. I remember that the baby wouldn’t nurse at all. A lactation consultant came in and told me ways to wake him up so he would eat. I remember changing diapers. I remember he didn’t pass his hearing test the first time, so they had to take two more. Finally they got him passed. I remember when they stuck his heel to get a blood sample and he cried and cried and it didn’t seem fair. Poor little thing.

I remember someone coming in to take pictures of him. Most of all I remember wanting to go home. I didn’t care how much pain I was in, it was getting better anyway. I just wanted to go home. On the third day the doctor was supposed to come in and sign my papers to allow me to go home, but he didn’t come all ay long. It was getting dark by the time he came in and I was nearly in tears by the time he did finally sign them. I wanted to take my family and go home and be done with the whole stupid hospital.

They wheeled me out to the car, and I strapped in the baby (I had been practicing) and we brought him home. The boys had cleaned the house while I was away and the church had sent flowers. I felt great. I was very confident.

After everyone had grown tired of holding him, I remember holding him while he slept and thinking, “now what do I do with him.” Sure the mechanics of it were simple: feed, change, bathe, etc, repeat. But that was just baby care. What about raising this child? I had to teach it values and manners and to speak and to walk and tie his shoes. How do you do that? Did they really trust me with that? Nothing seemed all that scary until that moment.

It never has become any less scary.

Write or Die

2008-11-10T17:45:00.000-08:00

So i found this program online to keep me on task when i'm writing. its call write or die. I set my goal, whether it be a certain word count or a certain time limit and I begin to write (I try to ignore editing during this period)

If too much time passes in between words the screen starts to turn red, and then after that, it starts to do something really annoying. Either putting a popup on my screen to gently encourage me to write more, or to loudly blare rick aston in my speakers to get me on task.

Works pretty well, its kind of fun.

	540

17

lab.drwicked.com

Professional Writer

2008-11-05T11:49:00.001-08:00

speaks for itself, eh?

Officially published and paid for my work, so therefore proffessional. Its a small time paper, but still. I get to see my name and work in print, several thousand times, and i get a title. I am a writer.

And quite full of myself, i might add. I'm so excited about it. Cute picture too, what an adorable little boy. Who's cute little boy is that? Oh yes, its mine. *happy dance*

Oh and I also wrote a second article under the pen name Annora Coffey. I thought my mom would appreciate that. Coffey is my grandmother's maiden name and Annora is a name I love that my husband would never let me name a child.

I really am proud of this, even though i didn't do much more than I usually do. Just writing whatever comes to mind. But its fun. Its a nice ego boost.

A Very Special Day

2008-11-02T11:36:00.000-08:00

today my son BEAT his first video game! I am so happy.

He beat Dora the explorer barn animals. or something like that, i dont' remember. but he's happy and we're happy and it made my birthday special. I love that little guy.

Halloween

2008-11-01T11:35:00.000-07:00

I think i just discovered that my son is going to grow up to be a con-man.

its okay though, because he's cute.

so we were trick or treating, (Caleb decided at the last minute that he would be Rocket instead of his cousin Jerimyah) and the first house we go to, he runs up and says "trick or treat" and they give him a couple candies. And he just stands there smiling up at them and doesn't walk away. After a couple seconds, they give him another handful. He still stands there. Finally they give him a third handful and tell him goodbye. He says thank you and walks away.

Repeat the entire evening. I swear the entire time i just kept telling him "say trick or treat, get your candy, say thank you, and then WALK AWAY." "WALK AWAY CALEB!" Everyone thought he was just so funny that they gave him extras.

He got more candy than anybody else we went trick or treating with. At the end he dropped his bucket because it was too heavy to carry.

Lucky he's so cute...

Diner Tonight

2008-10-29T21:56:00.000-07:00

so tonight i made that wonderful creamy potato soup. I haven't made it in a very long time.

It wasn't until i started making it that i realized that this was the first dish that i had ever made for my husband. We had been dating for only a few months and we were at his parents house, Hubby, his brother Jon and me and it was lunch time. Hubby and I scrounged around the kitchen for a little while looking for food. I discovered that they had the ingredients to the soup that i had just learned how to make in cooking class, so i offered to make lunch of him. I asked Jon if he wanted some too and he agreed. So i went into the kitchen and feeling very domestic like i was able to re-create the soup that i had made in my cooking class. I call them over for to eat and future-hubby gushes over it, making me feel good.

Jon asks what kind of soup it was and i told him potato soup. He asks what brand, and i blush and tell him that its homemade. I took it as a compliment (although over the years I've discovered that a lot of my food tastes like it comes from a box/can and i'm not exactly proud of it anymore)

It was the first thing i made that i ever got complimented on. it was when i learned that i actually liked cooking.

Well i was thinking about this as i cooked diner. By a wonderful coincidence diner was done exactly as Hubby walked in the door from work. As we all sat down at the diner table to eat, i told hubby. "Diner tonight is special, can you guess why?"

He took one bite of the food and he smiled at me. "This was the first thing you made wasn't it?" he asked.

*swoon* He remembered.

He got up and served himself two extra bowls of it. Eight years later and he still likes my potato soup. I love that man

Little Sleeper

2008-10-28T23:04:00.000-07:00

So tonight I was sitting here writing another chapter to my story. Husband is off with my brother in law playing video games and Baby and I are here alone. I've been procrastinating for a few days with writing this story so when i got the urge to write in it, i didn't want to let anything get in the way. I sat here while Caleb ran around the house. He asked a few times for me to put teletubbies on for him, but we don't have a DVD and PBS isn't showing it until tomorrow morning. Things got quiet and so i decided to get up and make sure he wasn't destroying his bedroom or invading Poland or anything. I turn in my chair and have to jump to avoid kicking him in the face.

My little boy had crawled up behind me while i was writing, wrapped himself up in his daddy's blanket and fell asleep behind my chair as I wrote.

Can he get any cuter? I submit that he cannot.

Good find at the thrift store

2008-10-22T08:12:00.001-07:00

So i went to the thrift store yesterday and cleared them out of books. Well not really, i left anything that i thought would contain the words "her heaving bossom" and well there were a lot still left on the shelves. I walked out of there with anything i had heard of before. Two large bags of books.

Caleb walked out with a book about cats and a bright red felt cowboy hat.

It was a good haul.

Last night i picked a book at random and started reading. Fried Green Tomatoes at The Whistle Stop Cafe

Wow. Good book. Suprizingly so. it was random and hard to follow at first, but really cute and funny and interesting. I stayed up into the wee hours of the morning just to finish it. Reminded me of my grandma...my crazy grandma, the one who pushed my mom down the stairs...

Lots of fun. I'd totally reccomend it (i'd lend it out if i didn't think i'd be reading it again in the next few days).

I'll keep you updated if i find any more jewels in my pile o' books.

Long awaited update

2008-10-01T10:27:00.000-07:00

I haven't been blogging in a while because I've been working on my story. I hate to admit it but i'm on chapter 24 right now. I can't believe I've spent so much time and emotional energy on a story that i will never publish. Thats got to say something about me, although i'm not sure exactly what. I've been having a lot of fun with it though. I've also been making lots of playlists to listen to while writing.

So today's mission is to fill you in on whats been going on in my life int he past month and a half.

Caleb was in kindergarten for four days before i pulled him out. Every single day i went to pick him up someone would have a word for me about my son's behavior. He wasn't sitting still in class, and he was being disruptive. I couldn't help but laugh a little at that. Thats exactly what i warned them about, but he was enjoying it so i kept him in. On day four, I got a call from his teacher in the middle of the school day. She told me that he had attacked two other kids during circle time.

I hate to sound the parent that thinks her kid can do no wrong, but that is just so NOT like him. I've never received a single complaint about aggressive behavior from him int he entire year he was in preschool. He goes to church every week and plays with other kids all the time and has never been shown to be aggressive. I don't think that his teacher would make something like that up though, maybe exaggerate...maybe, but not make it up. It was obvious that something was wrong there and that it was not the place for Caleb.

Homeschool was supposed to start a month ago but theres been a problem with registration so i haven't been able to enroll. Its beyond frustrating right now, and thats all i really have to say about that.

I've been spending a lot of time writing my story, but i've also spent time writing articles for a home town magazine that my sister in law wants to start out. I've also been doing editing work for her. I even decided on a pen name. Annora Coffey. I don't have much confidence in this magazine going anywhere, but its fun to think that i may actually become a published writer (even if not a professional one, as the magazine isn't going to be making much, if any, money for a while).

What else...money's tight, our car has broken down three times in the past three weeks. Life is chaotic. You know the usual. One of my best friends is moving away to another town, but is still a short drive away. I think that i finally figured out the problem that made it so that i couldn't talk to Sarah on messenger, LOL, but haven't been able to test the theory because she hasn't been online much.

Caleb's made a lot of progress in his OT. he's met his goals for the year already, a month and a half early. His Occupational Therapist is very impressed with his progress, and i'm very proud of my little boy.

OK, i'm out with it

2008-08-22T10:48:00.000-07:00

This is the fanfic i'm writing.

If you haven't read the Twilight Saga you won't have any idea what its about probably. At least not anywhere from chapter 8 on, i think. I'm trying not to explain too much, because anybody else reading it would be familiar with the book.

Anyway, the link

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4487141/1/Finding_Home

Today's my son's first day of kindergarten

2008-08-21T10:31:00.000-07:00

bittersweet to be sure. He did great, I did great. Had to fight the urge to sit in the class and make sure my son is being treated respectfully, but i trusted the teacher well enough. She young, and thats good for a kindergarten teacher. They still have patience for their kids.

He's just going to be here until we get the paperwork completed for his at-home schooling. Should be soon. They finally received his completed IEP yesterday and i'm just waiting for a call back from teh school. As soon as i know we're moving forward I will dis-enroll him from Regan Elementary.

This wasn't really my plan, honestly. I hadn't decided if i was going to drop him off at school today until 8:00 this morning. Thought he might have fun there for a little while. It should be a big day, first day of kindergarten and all, but it doesn't seem like it. it feels more like i dropped him off at daycare, not at school. Not really his first day of school really, sinse i will be transfering him out soon.

Thats my logic anyway...

Part of the story i'm writing

2008-08-20T11:15:00.000-07:00

not all of my writing is like this, i promise, i'm not nearly so emo. This was just a bad dream (and its only half done really, i'll post the second half later, if anybody is still interested). I had fun writing it, its good to get things put down on paper again, so to speak. I've written 13,349 words in the last week.

This is actually chapter 6, but its very disconnected from the story i'm writing, this is just a dream the main charecter has, but its important later in the story...

Anyway without any futher ado:

Last Night I Dreamed

I ran as fast as I could through the forest. The pine trees flashed past me as I ran, not knowing where I was going. When I had left my home in town, I had some vague plan of finding a cabin in woods where some kind old lady would help me. Maybe one of my people, someone not allied with my parents, someone who would see how wrong it was to marry off a 10 year old girl to some strange man. That part of the plan was for later though. Now I just had to get away, far away, as fast as I could. I had to climb over rocks, so they couldn't see the imprint of my feet on the ground. I would have to find a stream, so their dogs would lose my scent.

I had left in the middle of the night, but I knew they were after me, I had run away before, but they tracked me. I ran to my family, but they tried to send me back, so I ran away again, even from them, but they found me. They didn't see me go, but they had followed my tracks, found me in the tree that I had hidden in and brought me back to the white mans' village, promising to bring me back again if I ever went missing again. They had warned my husband to keep better watch on me. They laughed at me and advised him that I had always responded well to a heavy hand, as if he needed any encouragement to beat me. That was why I couldn't stop, even though my feet were so cold that I couldn't feel them anymore. As soon as I stopped they would find me, I knew that.

I wasn't paying much attention to where I was running, my mind was as numb as the fingers on my cold hands. Time blurred together until I stumbled into the stream. I hadn't even seen it in front of me. I almost screamed as the water rushed straight up to my thighs, but I kept my mouth shut, I didn't know how far behind the search party would be. The water was runoff from the mountains: liquid ice. It was a mistake to believe my feet would not feel again, because I could feel every single one of the sharp rocks at the bottom of the stream through my house shoes. The blood in my veins had turned to ice as well; I could feel it traveling up my leg, chilling parts of my body that had not touched the water. My teeth chattered loudly. I was making a lot of noise, splashing through the stream, I prayed to whatever god would listen that the men chasing me weren't close enough to hear me splash through the water. I ran for what seemed like forever in the cold water, but it couldn't have been that far. I tripped several times, into the icy stream, scraping my knees and tearing the nightgown I wore. I hoped the water was deep enough to hide my tracks, and my scent from the dogs they kept. I ran almost a full mile in the water until I fell. I didn't have the strength to run anymore. I stood up and dragged myself out of the water and ran back towards town, hoping to throw them off. Hoping they would think I would be running further into the mountains. I ran another half mile before the pain in my legs caused me to stop. I looked down at my legs. The usual russet color of them seemed to fade. I seemed paler. There was a blue undertone to my skin. The thought of finding a cabin was suddenly the only thing on my mind. I didn't want to run, anymore. My lungs hurt and my throat burned. I was so cold that my body felt like it was turning to ice and every move I made was cracking and shattering me to pieces. I knew that I had better find a cabin soon, so that someone would save me, keep me from freezing to death in my soaked nightgown in the middle of nowhere, where no one was around to even bury me.

To the left of me I heard the sound of pursuit. I didn't understand it, how could they have caught up to me so fast? I hadn't stopped at all. I wished I had been bigger, older. They were coming for me, to take me back to my "husband" and he would make sure that I could never escape again. This was my last chance and I blew it, I lost my chance to leave because I was too weak. I hated being so weak, it made me sick. I gathered my strength and ran faster. I ran with everything I had in me, feeling reserves of strength I didn't know I had. I ran for another fifty feet or so until I realized that it didn't matter. I was running faster than I thought I had to the strength to, but they were gaining on me. I could hear them to either side of me, surrounding me. I couldn't see them at all, but I could hear them. They were there.

My strength faded away with the last thread of hope that I clung to. There was no point to running. It was better to be dead than to go back to where I was running from. My knees buckled under me and I fell into the frosty ground, hard on my knees. I listened as the search party silently circled around me. There were more of them than I thought. I still couldn't see them, but the entire forest around me was filled with the sound of their feet as the circled around me. My escape was completely cut off, even if I did have the strength to get up off my hands and knees and run again. I could hear the men's heavy breathing through the trees. They didn't sound as winded as I felt. They sounded almost excited, I could hear desire in them, like they were just waiting for my strength to fail, that they were readying to grab hold of me, to take me back to the monster that kept me in town.

I heard a guttural growl from ahead of me. They sounded like the monsters I knew them to be. I looked up to face my captors, to curse at them, to tell them what monsters they were, the things they were taking me back to but when I looked up there wasn't a man in front of me. There was a large black wolf. He stood there staring intently at me, studying me. Everything about him looked deadly. His teeth seemed larger than they should be compared to his body. His eyes were larger, protruding outward, it seemed he saw everything. His claws were longer like claws. I instantly felt relief. It wasn't the men to take me back, it was just this wolf. Beside the ebony wolf, another wolf stepped forward. This wolf was ashy grey, but didn't look as menacing as the black wolf. For one thing it was smaller, the fur looked mangy. This wolf was obviously starving. I glanced back at the black wolf. I noticed now that it didn't look much better than the grey wolf, the reason that his teeth and eyes stuck out was suddenly clear. We were at the end of a long winter, they were starving. To all sides of me, other wolves revealed themselves to me. There were more wolves than I had ever seen in my entire life, let alone all at once time. There must have been at least twenty of them.

I looked from side to side, but didn't want to turn my head to look at them. I knew it would provoke an attack from the lead wolf in the front. There were wolves of all colors and sizes, all of them starving. They looked at me with hungry eyes and glanced back and forth from me to the lead wolf, licking their lips and waiting for the signal to pounce. Behind me, came a growl. Without thinking, I turned my head to face the aggressor. That was a mistake. The black wolf lunged at me and knocked me completely to the floor, grabbing hold of my left arm near my shoulder. I screamed and chaos erupted around me. I knew I was going to die. I would have welcomed it if it didn't hurt so much.

A second wolf dived at me, tried to bite into the back of my head. I could feel each and every one of the teeth slashing into my scull, feel my ear being shredded. Warm blood flowed down my neck staining my nightgown. I felt weaker and weaker as I prayed for salvation. I wasn't hoping that someone would save me. I only wanted to die, to be released from all the pain. The pain in my shoulder, on the back of my head was all I could think of but then they released me. My arms still burned, the blood still flowed out my wounds like a dam had burst, but they dropped me. The growling from all around me intensified, it shook me to the core. My entire body shook, I felt so weak.

I fell onto my side and looked up at the wolves. They still stood over me, but they faced the south, the way that I had come from. For a moment I worried that the men had finally caught up to but then I saw what had scared the wolves so bad. The largest bear I had ever seen had entered the clearing. It was impossibly big, filling my entire field of vision to the south. It was like a moving wall. Every wolf around me was crouched and ready to defend their kill. The bear just sauntered into the clearing seemingly without any fear at all. It was spring, so considering the time of year, I knew this bear had to be starving as well, but it didn't look it. It looked as strong as anything I had ever seen in all my life. From my position on the ground I looked at the things head, it looked that if I curled myself into a ball, my entire body could fit into its scull. I knew at once the wolves would never win this fight; the bear would chase them off. I thanked the great spirits for my good fortune. With the bear it would be a quick and more merciful death.

For a moment I lay there and waited for the bear to attack, but it just stood there. There was some sort of standoff, but I couldn't understand why. The bear could easily take on the wolves. I looked up into the bear's large black eyes; they must have been bigger than my fists. With my eyes, I pleaded with the bear: Please, please, just do it already.

Making eye contact with the bear seemed to send it into a rage. Once the bear made its move, the entire wolf pack joined in but there was no way they were going to stop the bear. It was going to kill me.

I had asked for this, but suddenly I wasn't ready, I wanted to run away but the wolves stood over me, and the bear tearing through the line of wolves. My body felt heavy, and I unable to move. I tried to will my arms to move, to push myself off the cold ground but my body wouldn't follow my commands. My entire frame shook as if the wolves still had a grip on me and the shaking knocked me off balance every time I tried to get my feet underneath me. My ears were filled not only with the growls of the animals fighting around me, but also the sound blood. My right ear was badly torn, the hot blood pouring over my shoulder, but even my left ear felt like it was filled with water. It sounded like I was under a waterfall with the water pouring down over me. It felt like it too, I felt a strong force over my body. I fought against it all I could, but it kept pushing me down. I started to feel like I was going underwater, deep underwater, the light of the surface was fading away. I knew that if I let it push me down, I wasn't ever getting up. With the last of willpower I willed myself to get up and without thinking of the steps I took to get there, I was standing on the edge of the clearing watching them all.

Being just a few feet away made me feel detached from everything. My vision was different, everything was foggy but the animals, I saw them in perfect clarity. I didn't even try to run. I wasn't afraid anymore. I felt pity for the wolves. They were starving, they would normally never even come near a human being, but here they were, attacking one. Every one of the wolves was desperate for food. Even if it was too small to feed all of them, it was the largest prey they had seen in a while. Then the bear came to take it away, they were fighting for their lives, and they weren't going to win.

There was something different about that bear as well, not just the size of it. I could see it hurting, not like an animal, like a person. The wolves could hardly damage him, even though he was outnumbered almost twenty to one. He cut through their numbers like a hot knife through butter. I could see them dying. Not just see them fall, and not get up, but actually see them die. Their lives were extinguished like a candle being blown out. Their souls clung to the body but then flickered and blurred, fading away like a rock dropped down a well. Dark smoke rose from the bodies, lingering for a second but then dispersing seconds later. The bodies lay there on the floor, blurred and formless, while the sharp figures of their brothers fought on against the bear. My heart was breaking for them. I saw how scared they were, how much they wanted to run, but didn't want to leave their brothers. If they lost this kill, many more of them would die.

Stop this! Please, please stop, I thought. I tried to speak but my mouth wouldn't move. I reached to touch my mouth, but I felt nothing. I stood there in wonder. I felt nothing at all. I didn't feel cold, or pain. I couldn't smell the blood on me. I looked down and could see myself, outlined sharply just like the animals were but I didn't recognize myself. I almost shimmered as I stood there. I had solid form, but not like it had been before. My skin was no longer copper colored, it was a color I had never seen before, a color that couldn't have existed in the world. It was beautiful, and it felt right, but it was nothing like I had been. I felt taller, I felt faster, stronger. My body didn't feel weighed down anymore. Although the wind had picked up, I didn't feel the winters chill on my skin.

It took me a moment to realize that besides the sound of the wind, which I felt more than I heard, the clearing was completely silent. I looked up towards the clearing. All of the wolves had stopped where they were. They all faced me, most of them with their heads down, their tails between their legs, wagging slowly. A few of them had lain on their side in a submissive position. A few licked their lips, not the way they had before when they were about to attack, but in a way that showed their absolute submissiveness. Now I saw that while I had always assumed that a dog licking its master's face was a sign of affection, it was really more of a sign of submission. I stood a moment and pondered this revelation. I knew more about the essence of these wolves than ever before. I was convinced I was right, it seemed so clear to me now.

I realized that every last one of them was staring at me as I pondered all of this. They all seemed to be eagerly awaiting my command in complete submission, all but the large bear. The bear stood there staring at me. He had obviously heard me speak and had obeyed but he didn't submit to me, not like the wolves had. I knew that I could order the wolves to do anything short of killing themselves and they would be loyal to everything that I had spoken. I didn't know why I was suddenly convinced of this, but I knew it like I knew my own name. The bear, on the other hand, heard me, and then chose to stop. He had an iron will. I would not be able to give him an order like I did the wolves. He chose to stop on his own.

Once again, I stood in wonder, surveying the scene in front of me. It was then that I noticed the black smoke pouring from under two of the wolves in the center, the alpha and its mate. It looked like the smoke that appeared when the wolves had died, but it was thicker, and it didn't dissipate like the smoke had done in the past, it just continued to pour out of its center. It was oblong shaped, slightly larger than the wolf, but I couldn't see what was causing all this smoke. I stepped in closer to see, all eyes watching me as I passed. I was standing right next to the smoking mass but still couldn't discern what was causing it. There was a blurry lump underneath and I leaned closer to examine what it was. The bear moved closer to me as I did this, but I had no fear that the bear would hurt me, he was just curious as well, curious about me. I leaned in closer to the smoking mass, getting on my hands and knees to peak into it. I laid my hands down directly on top of the mass and it felt sticky around my hands, like I was sticking my hands into the mud around a hot spring. When I pulled my hands away they didn't have any trace of stickiness on them. I placed my hands back down and leaned closer to the smoking mass on the floor. My eyes widened in shock when I saw what lay there: a little girl.

The girl lay on the forest floor completely motionless. Her heart beat sporadically ever minute or so. It was obvious that the body was still alive, although I could see no spirit in it. The little girl was copper skinned with the thick black hair of my people. She was wearing a dirty nightgown that was soaked in blood, especially around the left arm. A small amount of blood had pooled around her head. She looked so small and fragile. Her fingers and lips were turning blue underneath the dark tone of her skin. I felt sad for the little broken thing. She looked so familiar that she could have been my sister. She had the same jaw line that I had, the same sharp nose that my father had, and the thin lips of my mother. The wind picked up bristled the fur of all the animals circling around me as I looked at this poor girl in front of me, I felt myself inching closer to knowing who this poor broken girl was. As recognition finally hit me, I tried to gasp, but no sound came from my lips, just the wind picking up further. I stared at the body on the ground, touching its sticky face. The little girl was me. I was dead.

Fan fiction

2008-08-16T13:40:00.000-07:00

fan fiction, oh how i hate it. I really really do. I had a friend in high school who was absolutely obsessed with it. Reading it, writing it, discussing it. It was just icky. A million stories about charecters first homosexual experience, the love triangles, the dirty language, the imagry that you couldn't scrub out of your head with bleach. The pages and pages of cheesy dialog.

Ugh. Fan fiction is the lowest form of writing. I value it lower than dirty limricks. At least sometimes the limricks are catchy, and good for a laugh. They're not meant to be taken seriously. but fan fiction, ugh. ew. yuck. I can't stand it

and yet...oh god i hate to even admit this. I'm writing one. Did i just admit that? On the internet? I must be losing my mind, now its up here and everyone will know. I could delete it, but someone somewhere has already seen it, i know it. Damn internet.

Its not seedy or dirty. I'm not revealing any "inner desires" of any charecter already created. Most of the charecters, OK all of the charecters in the story so far are my own, but thats going to change in the chapter i'm writing, chapter 4. Yes, i said it, i've aready written 3 chapters...

So why am i doing this. I quite literally tossed and turned last night trying to ask myself the same question. And here's the answer, the only one i'm able to accept.

The bar is set very very low. Even if my story really really sucks, its better than half the crap out there. I could have written my own short story and nobody would read it, but what can i say, i'm shallow. i wanted somebody to read it and say "good job". anonymously, LOL. I fell in love with the world written about in the novel and i wanted to cultivate a little peice of it. A little peice that was barely touched upon in the real literature (if you can call a young adult novel literature) and expand upon it. My imagination took hold and i had to tell this story, and i did. and somewhere where i was certain i would not fail, because like i said, the bar is very very low.

LOL

my progress with the classics

2008-08-06T11:24:00.001-07:00

Well after reading two books, I've lost interest, LOL. I might pick up some old Greek books, i was told they're rather good, I've got quite a list of interesting reads from the book Pandora.

Pride and Prejudice got real interesting in the middle. Being interesting gave me a bit more motivation to stick with it, even though the language was a bit confusing at times. Wuthering Heights is a terrible book :P Its very interesting, compelling actually, but the book itself, the people in it. Its just a book about ugly bitter people who do nothing but hurt everyone around them. Its disgusting.

I'm sticking with more contemporary literature for now. I picked up a few books that i'd been wanting, The Good Guy by Dean Koontz, Pandora by Anne Rice, but besides those two, i just picked up a couple books with interesting titles (and lacking lusty looking cover art) A Dark Oval Stone by Marsena Konkle and Lives of Circus Animals by Christopher Bram. I'll let you know if they're any good ;)

random thoughts on small town living

2008-08-06T11:17:00.000-07:00

I've been reading a lot lately. I just finished up Pandora (Anne Rice) late last night and picked up another book this morning, The Good Guy by Dean Koontz. There was something said in the first chapter that really got my attention:

"intrepid adventures though exotic lands and across strange seas were quests of crawling children compared to the adventures waiting in the eight inches between the left ear and the right"

I think that pretty much sums up how i feel about living in a small town. As fun as it would be to travel down the nile, or see the northern lights, or visit paris, it doesn't really compare to what i've already been gifted with by God: my mind. I have the world at my fingertips and i am not hindered at all by my location.

Classic: A book which people praise and don't read

2008-07-29T15:37:00.001-07:00

so after my obsession with the twilight saga, i decided that i might like to turn my attention to some older books. A couple were mentioned in the book that i wanted to read as well as a few others. I went down to the library with a pretty good list of books:

Gone with the Wind
Jane Eyre
Pride and Prejudice
Wuthering Heights
Phantom of the Opera
Scarlet Pimpernel

but i had very little luck. I came home with only Pride and Prejudice and Wuthering Heights. I'm trying real hard to get into Pride and Prejudice, but i can't seem to focus on it. I'm about 20 chapters in right now (seriously, the chapters have got to be like 3 pages long...) I'm just not that impressed with it. I was hoping for more insight into whats going on in the characters heads, but i haven't found much. I guess the BBC version was pretty well done :P

I am going to stick with it though, until its done. Just so that i could say i've read it. I'm a bit stubburn that way. I'm looking forward to Wuthering Heights. especially after the book i read last, referencing it so much.

Either way, the 4th and final book of the Twilight Saga comes out on saturday, so i'm hoping to be done with Pride and Prejudice by then at least. I don't want to pick up another book before i finish this one. Otherwise i'll lose interest.

To quote Mark Twain: "once you put it down you simply can’t pick it up"

and also

"I often want to criticise Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can’t conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Everytime I read ‘Pride and Prejudice’ I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone"

Haha! Maybe i should look into picking up some Mark Twain as well...

The Twilight Saga

2008-07-26T10:09:00.001-07:00

I promised a book review. I should have done it a couple days ago, but you know me, i get distracted.

So i read something about a movie being made about a book called twilight and that it was about vampires. It peaked my interest, i've always had a thing with vampires, its supposed to be some kind of romance, but because it was for young adults i didn't think it would be too, um, explicit. So i picked up the first book on Saturday night. But i had a video game i was playing intently plus another book (Odd Thomas, it was really good too, especially if you like Elvis, also a 4 book series) i REALLY wanted to read before i got to twilight. I read that book at home alone while hubby was away, but it gave me the heebie jeebies so i put it down and waited for hubby to get home.

I finished Odd Thomas on Sunday night but didn't get around to picking up Twilight until Tuesday morning. I had a hectic day that day so i didn't read much of it. Just while i was waiting for a friend to pick me up to go to Fresno, or in the waiting room. I was facinated, but not enough so that i would skip a night out with my friends. As soon as i got home from fresno i went out with another friend, we went back to fresno and while we were there i picked up the second book in the series. I knew it wouldn't be long before i would finish the first, now that i had more free time to do so.

And this is where my days get mixed up. i don't remember if i started reading that night or the night after. This was tuesday. I kept reading Twilight. It wasn't the deepest thing i had ever read, but it was a fun story. just enough romance, just enough action. The charecters seemed....shallow, there was a complete lack of subplot. Very little explaination of WHY the charecter did some things (never fully explained why she moved to a town she hated, just vaguely in passing)

It was very different than the novels i was used to (big fan of Dean Koontz and R A Salvatore) but i couldn't put it down. I literally could not put the book down for the life of me. I was sucked into it. I don't remember if it was tuesday or wednesday night that i did this, but i was up all night finishing Twilight. I finally finished the book at 3am and settled down to sleep. but i was restless, i was tossing and turning, and so was the baby. It woke Hubby up and he was a bit cranky, so me and the boy went into Caleb's room and settled in. I was still restless, so i got up and got the new book, hoping that it would put me to sleep. I figured the story was simple enough i wouldn't have to think much. It almost put the to sleep the first chapter. What with its simple re-introduction to the story that i had already read. The matter of fact and short explaination from the writer was so simple that it seemed comical ("oh by the way, my boyfriend is a vampire") The second chapter got me interested, and i stayed awake. I didn't even feel sleepy anymore. And then the book hit a turning point and i couldn't put it down at all. When i got about half way through the book i heard something outside the window that sounded like birds chirping. I looked up and suddenly noticed the sun coming in Caleb's bedroom window. I kept reading and not long after that, i heard Hubby's alarm clock going off. I put the book down and peeked at the clock in our room. it was already 7am. Well i was almost done. Caleb has been sleeping in lately, i coudl finish the book and get a couple hours of sleep anyway. I finish the book right before husband left for work. I went to go to bed, but i was restless. I slept for MAYBE an hour, but i tossed and turned the whole time. I had to get the other book.

The second novel seemed more like a transition than its own seperate entity, i had to find out what it was leading to. Once Caleb was up, i put him into the stroller and walked to the store. I bought myself some energy bars and soda, and i got him some freezer meals so i wouldn't have to pick up lunch. I also picked up the third book in the series. As soon as i got home i regretted going out. I remembered hubby told me not to buy any more books for a while. Not only that, i was flat out exausted, even though my mind was racing a million miles an hour trying to figure out what happened. I brought a pillow and blanket into the livingroom and set The Boy in front of the computer to play on pbskids.org while i "rested" with my book in hand. I was able to keep us all fed, even got diner ready by the time Hubby came home from work. but my day centered around that damn book. I could barely keep my eyes open, but i HAD to keep reading the book. Tired as i was, I burned through the third book a lot slower. I didn't finish reading that book until 9:30 that night. Immediatly afterwards, i pretty much passed out on the bed and slept for 12 hours strait. I was woken by my son's cries of "Mom! Look at me! The moon went down, and the sun came up! Its time to wake up, mom!"

My poor neglected baby. I spend most of the morning cleaning up the aftermath of my parental neglect. Also i had lost 2lbs because i didn't eat more than one meal a day and a couple cereal bars. I never thought i'd be too interested in a book to eat. By noon i was tried of house work and wanted to pick upa book again. But the 4th book in the series doesn't come out for a nother couple weeks. I sat for a minutes trying to decide what to do and then i went into the bedroom and picked Twilight back up again. Maybe there was something i missed the first time around? It turns out i didn't miss anything. The story was so simple, there were no small details i missed out on by burning through the book. But it was still a good story. I re-read that book, and the second one too. The next morning i woke up and was reading the third book all day. A little after noon i got a phone call from my mother in law, asking why i hadn't called her, and what time i was coming. i was confused. I didn't make any plans with her this week. I only had laundry to do on friday, and it couldn't possibly be friday already...Aparently i was wrong. it sure was friday. The week had flown by faster than i could have imagined it would. I paniced and got all my laundry together, i read the rest of my book while i did laundry. I stayed up late again last night finishing it, even though i knew the ending.

When i woke up this morning i picked up Twilight again, the first book in the series. I got about a chapter in when i realized that i probably have another, more important, things to do. You know, like blog about the books i had spent so many hours reading this week. I'm a genius.

Anyway my review, The books were overly simple and the charecters shallow (not as in full of themselves, but not as 3 dementional as they could have been) The story wasn't anything new, it had all been done before (romeo and julliet, withering heights, and probably countless other novels, those were just two literary allusions mentioned directly in the book) But damn it was a good read. Not what i would want my young adult to be reading (no sex scenes, but a lot of very intimate scenes in it (hubby sure enjoyed me reading it) But overal the book was very very FUN and i'd reccomend it.

No wonder theres been all this fuss about it. Hubby asked me if i thought the movie would be good and i told him no. It thought it would be overly simple and probably boring. I don't know if i will see it. I've got lots of other things to waste my money on. But the books are good. if you want to borrow them, give me a few weeks. I plan to re-read them again (which honestly, is the first book ive ever read twice in a row. Usually it takes me months to pick up a book i had already read)

http://www.thetwilightsaga.com/

Having an only child

2008-07-21T12:24:00.000-07:00

We have an only child and we like him a lot

We want more, but for now he is an only. I really enjoy him. Like everyone said there are advantages and disadvantages to every arrangement.

for us its easier to find a babysitter. I can be more picky with who watches him because i have more options (more people willing to watch one child as opposed to 2 or 3 or more) I can be more involved with his public schooling. Now that we are homeschooling i can give myself time to fully commit to it and to learn the ropes, without being distracted by the needs of many children. I focus more attention on him. I was able to catch some things earlier, subtle things that i may not have caught if i was chasing after younger children, i was able to get him early intervention and it has mean the world to us to be able to help him better cope with the world.

He doesn't have nearly as many bad habits as siblings do. He doesn't have younger siblings to mimic or be jelous about, he doesn't have older siblings to learn bad behaviors from. His main role models are adults, not other children.

He has lots of family that loves him and would support him if a terrible event ever happened to him. Like a PP said, having siblings doesn't mean that he has more people to turn to, you can't assume that they will have a great relationship. He has many many cousins who love him and who experience shared experiences with, he has lots of people who will always be there, who he can count on and reminisce with.

this is my personal opinion but i think that being spoiled comes from permissiveness, not from lack of siblings. SO MUCH has to do with the parents. Some kids will be cottled but not all of them. Some will be forsed to take on responcibility too soon but not all of them. Theres variation like that will all parents, not just parents of onlies.

Plus he doesn't even want a sibling. In all the times i've asked him, he says that he wants a kitten

Growing up i had an older brother, but we weren't close. I never wanted any more siblings, neither older or younger. Some kids don't have that desire. Although i understand that some children do. But its individual, its not just the first child. Sometimes your 6th child begs for a younger sibling too. And oldest child wishes that they had a bigger brother or sister too. Sometimes it just doesn't happen, and thats OK. Having more children isn't going to prevent a child from wishing things were different.

WE want another child, because we want another little person to love and to treasure, not because i think HE needs it. Although its hard to stop myself from projecting my own feelings onto my son, saying that HE needs a sibling, that HE needs someone else to play with. Because he doesn't Its something that I would like for him, but its not something that either of us needs.

The main disadvantage is that we get to hear everybody elses opinion on what a disservice i'm doing to my son by not giving him a sibling (not here, IRL, well meaning relatives and church members) And that....hmmm i don't know. Arranging playdates can be a hassle sometimes. But he's an introverted child and prefers short bursts of social interaction and lots of recovery time. its not too crazy.

prayer request abotu caleb's school

2008-07-18T22:52:00.000-07:00

so i'm changing school districts so i could school Caleb at home. Everything is all set for enrollment and i am excited to get started EXCEPT his special education plan. The new school has been trying and trying to get the info any way they can (they were able to get part of it from his new physical therapist) but they just need his speech and language goals for the year and the local school district can't find them anywhere. aparently they were never written His speech teacher mentioned something before about having to rewrite them for the new teacher, but aparently she never did that, she never turned anything in at all. The school district has been trying to get in contact with her but she's on her summer vacation and isn't returning phone calls

without the plan he cannot even be fully enrolled in the new school where i can school him at home but more importantly, he won't get ANY speech or language services until it is written from either district I do not want to wait until the middle of the school year to get services for him, waiting all summer is bad enough He's already going to be behind the other kids because of his disability, i don't want to put him any further behind because we have to wait for this woman to do the job she was supposed to do MONTHS ago.

I need prayer that his old speech teacher finally returns the school districts phone calls, that she writes up his IEP, and that this all happens in time so that i will have all my materials for the new school year in time to start.

and i need prayer to stop thinking mean thoughts about this woman and to rest and know that GOD IS IN CONTROL here and things will all work out for good.

My Garden is ready for harvest

2008-07-14T13:48:00.000-07:00

and its huge! I've had to work it so much lately. its been over 100 degrees every day and not a day of releif in sight. I've had to water if every single day at least once. A gallon of water per plant and by the end of the day its still drooping It is SO worth it though.
click here for the before pic

Today i had my first "big harvest" I've been picking off cherry tomatoes daily and eating them right off the vine I've been away all weekend and today i had lots to pick so i just got a bowl and picked everything that needed picking

As for my plants, my cherry tomato plant is bigger than i am

My cherry tomatoes are spreading and i don't know how at all, LOL. I've found at least 5 different off shoots which i have given away to friends. Its even growing in what was originally the hardpan, i have no idea how it got there or WHY its still alive, but its there.

pulled up a carrot

my herb garden has been nearly forgotten. Only my basil is thriving. the parsley is tiny, the oregano died, and i pulled up my cilantro after it wen to seed. the mint i planted as an afterthought to keep the ants away is thriving The dill in the lower right hand corner is barely hanging in there. I don't think it will be long before the heat overwhelms it.

my green onions and chives

My strawberry plants are boring. they're growing slowly, and i'm not allowing them to flower until next year. They just kind of hang there. All but 3 of the plants are growing. I have no idea how i'm going to replant the new ones, LOL

and thats my beautiful apartment living container garden

Weirdest Animals EVER!

2008-07-08T10:56:00.000-07:00

so i was sitting here at the computer this morning when i heard Caleb in the rat cage. I turned to see him with both rats crawling inside his shirt and he was giggling like crazy, so i let him be for a while. Then i hear him complaining "no! BAD CAT!" and i PANIC and i turn around and i see the cat in the rat cage. I go to check it out and one rat is up in the top where its safe, but the other is sitting there right behind the cat. So i reach in to grab the rat to put it in a safer place and the rat goes and runs under the cats arms to hide. I was so scared! I thought that kitty would eat her up, but no, kitty was just playing with her, and not with her claws either. Just sitting there and rubbing against her. The rat seemed to enjoy it too, she just sat there and layed next to her even though she could very easily escape.

excuse me, this is private

Eventually i had to drag that cat out of there, and popcorn just stood at the door watching me do it. So weird...

I think i may have the weirdest animals ever.

"I do not have a tooma"-update on hubby

2008-06-27T08:57:00.001-07:00

except well, he does.

We waited at the doctor's office for over an hour and a half to see the dr and then he was only in with us for about 10 minutes, BUT, he was very honest and strait forward and really nice so we got enough done in that time to get a good opinion on it.

we found out that hubby has a deviated septum, which basically means he can't breath out of his nose very well.

as for the lump on his neck, its defiantly a lympoma, which hubby has mentioned before, the language the dr used kind of upset me though "fatty tumor." But he says that theres very little reason to worry about it. That he could live with it for the rest of his life, or he could schedule a surgery to have it removed and be done with it. Hubby opted for the surgery. We were given a HUGE list of things hubby has to avoid before the surgery and a sheet for the blood work he's going to need done.

They're gonna have to knock hubby out and remove it. The doctor said that hubby had to miss at least 3 days of work but when he found out that hubby does a lot of heavy lifting the dr said that he needed to take at least a week off. Hubby is out of sick days already, he doesn't know if he can.

Hubby says he's going to go into work and tell them that he has a tumor on his neck that he needs removed, (leave out the benign fatty part) and hope it sounds serious enough that they will let him take time off without putting his job on the line. Hubby is hoping that after his surgery that they could put him on desk work for a little while so that he could go back to work sooner and not miss out too much time. I hate that we're even in that kind of position, i just want hubby to get all the rest he needs.

so thats everything we found out, i'll update later with his surgery date.

After the appointment we went around fresno looking for Wii Fit, but to no luck. Hubby and i had a nice date though. We checked out video game stores, we shopped for lingerie, we ate pretzels at the mall, visited the book store. It was really nice to get to be alone with him. I miss quiet times like that with my Hubby. While stressful, it turned out to be a pretty good day.

Cinnamon

2008-06-26T09:06:00.000-07:00

Someone on one of my message boards casually mentioned that she took cinnamon for her insulin resistance. I thought it facinating so i asked her some more about it. She replied almost immediately and told me that she had tried it for a little while and noticed a physical difference in just a couple days. All she did was add 1/2 a teaspoon to some cinnamon to her applesauce in the morning and within a few days the and the angrosis nigricans under her arms started to just peel off. She told me to google it and see for myself.

Now i was a bit skeptical. I've tried so many things to get my angrosis nigricans to go away. Even watching my carbs didn't seem to help all that much. It helped, but they never just went away.

I googled "cinnamon insulin resistance" and 69,000 hits came up. Among them:

http://www.ars.usda.gov/is/AR/archive/jul00/cinn0700.htm
http://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/features/cinnamons-secret-health-benefit
http://www.thyroid-info.com/articles/cinnamon.htm
http://thyroid.about.com/od/loseweightsuccessfully/a/cinnamon.htm

I told hubby about this and he got a bit excited, he joked that maybe his mom's cinnamon filled spice cake really WAS good for me, and it caused a realization. I was checking my blood sugar every day for a few weeks to test how my body reacted to certain foods. In the morning i had some of that spice cake for breakfast. I expected my blood sugar to rise dramatically but it didn't. And i had a large peice of cake when i really shouldn't have. Later that day i had less than a cup of mashed potatoes and my blood sugar shot through the roof. I didn't understand how that was possible because the cake obviously had more carbs than the potatoes. I chalked it up to potatoes being the devil and have steered clear of them since. I still won't be gorging on potatoes, but aparently i've already seem the properties of cinnamon at work without even realizing it.

If anything, its worth a shot. its just a little cinnamon after all. What can it hurt?

Hubby has a docters appointment today

2008-06-26T09:05:00.000-07:00

He's had this golf ball sized lump on the back of his neck for about 2 years, i've been telling him and telling him to get it checked out but he never did. i would go to kiss him and i'd feel it on the back of his neck with my hand and i'd just freak out. it was right next to his spinal column and i was just so worried that it was dangerous. I would make jokes about how there was an alien creature trying to take over his brain but really it was tearing me up inside. it wasn't until he had the flu a couple months ago that he finally went to the dr (for the first time since we MET nearly 10 years ago) I went with him to make sure that he mentioned it. The dr checked it and and said that since it wasn't growing it was most likely benign and he referred hubby to an ear nose and throat specialist (not exactly sure the reasoning, i think its because they thought it was just a swollen lymph node)

Hubby's appointment is at around 2:30. I assumed he would just go up there alone since coming to pick me up is half an hour out of his way from work, but he asked me to come, so Caleb is staying with grandma and we're both going up there today for the follow up.

can you pray it goes well. After he finally got it checked out, it releived a LOT of my anxiety about it. i was so scared it was something serious but the dr didn't seem concerned about it at all. Also today we have to decide whether or not to leave it, or to have it removed (which could cause a HUGE scar considering the size of the lump)

We're both a bit nervous.

more reasons to keep him home

2008-06-19T11:58:00.000-07:00

When I went to pick him up today Caleb was sitting in a chair in the back of the class, he seemed to be doing well, and when i talked to the teacher about it, she said that he really does better in a chair. So I'm glad that he did better today.

But there was another kid in a chair off to the side who was not doing so well. He kept trying to get down and be with the rest of the class (apparently she set him aside because he was being disruptive) but the teacher kept putting him back in the chair. I can understand that she wanted to keep him in time out for the full time, but what she was saying to him, once again put knots in my stomach. She told him that he had to earn his right to sit down with the class. To show her that he deserved to finish the activity with them. This time i did grab Caleb and run. Even though he wasn't the one getting in trouble like that (that i saw anyway) it just made me feel so sick inside.

Its not so much that she set him aside, but her attitude toward it, and the child who was set aside. It upset me probably more than it should have

All coming together

2008-06-19T10:19:00.000-07:00

So after i posted about stepping down from my position at church. My friend told me that she wanted to do it. She read my entire post and still wanted to do it, it must mean that she was meant to do it. We talked about it, and i gave her some time to think it over and pray about it and she still wanted to move forward. I was completely surprised, i thought it would be SO much harder to find someone else, and that it would be months before i would actually get to leave (because i didn't think Pastor could find a replacement)

The hardest part was calling Pastor to let him know. I felt like i was going to pass out, but i was unable to get a hold of him on the phone, i left him a message. He surprised me when he called me back the next day. I told him everything that i was thinking about and that i had found a replacement. He seemed open, and told me to keep him updated.

So much simpler than i thought it would be. I'm glad for it, but i keep thinking the other shoe will drop soon, its so much easier than i thought it would be. I guess its just more proof that this is what God wants me to do. Everything is just coming together perfectly. Praise God!

A Student like Caleb

2008-06-19T08:24:00.000-07:00

*sigh* So Caleb's been in Kinder camp for a week and a half. I enrolled him before i decided to home school him. I didn't want to dis-enroll him because they'd ask why, and i didn't want it to interfere with whether or not he got his physical therapy.

Anyway he's been doing alright, except he doesn't really want to go in the mornings. He has fun when he's there, he says the teacher is nice to him, his friends are nice to him, but he fights going every morning until i talk to him and get him excited about it, and i NEVER had to do that when he was in preschool. I kept sending him because i really liked the teacher who was doing it. Well now the other teacher is the main teacher, and the teacher i like is just assisting.

yesterday was the first day and i was nervous. And sure enough, when i got there, I found Caleb in a time out. As we left his original teacher pulled me aside and we were able to talk for a while about Caleb. She says that he is just not ready. She said it so nicely, but the bottom line is that he can't sit still like they want him to, has a hard time focusing as well. It really affirmed my decision to keep him home next year.

This morning I went to drop him off, and teacher #2 was there. I decided to have q quick talk to her about Caleb, that if he was wiggling on the carpet, to put him in a chair behind the other students (so he wouldn't be embarrassed) and she agreed that he did better when put in the chair. She also said that she had a student like him last year, who had trouble sitting, and he was in a chair a lot too.

I remembered when i sat in on her classroom and how she treated that one child who didn't sit well with the other class. That made my stomach cramp up. I resisted the urge to pick up Caleb and run, because i knew that his first teacher would be there with him, and I love the way she is with the children. I gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him goodbye, he wiped his cheek and he told me to "never do that EVER" I apologized for embarrassing him, and left.

Even though he doesn't want to go in the morning, he is having fun so far. Although the longer he's involved the more I can tell its just not right for him. Everything in my body is telling me that home school is the right decision for him.

Dungeons and Dragons 4th Edition

2008-06-16T16:38:00.002-07:00

Is finally out. I was the first in my group of friends to make a Character. We pre-ordered the 3 book set months ago and expected it to arrive on the 6th or 7th, but its on backorder. So this last weekend i snuck up to Fresno to buy Hubby a Players Handbook for Fathers Day. On my way up he asks where i am and i tell him going to Fresno. He specifically asks me if i'm going to The Game Preserve and if i am to pick him up a book. There went my surprise...or did it.

When i got there only two books were left. My sister in law and I snatched the last ones. Hubby called immediately after and asked if they had any left. I told him that the last two books were JUST bought and now they're sold out. He was SO disappointed, bwahahahahaha. But when he came home from work, i decided not to wait until Sunday and gave him his book. He was very happy. I'm so excited.

I made a Dwarven Cleric, and we plan on playing sometime in June or July once Hubby gets his DMG and the monster manual.

My Epic Quest...

2008-06-16T16:38:00.001-07:00

I am desperately searching for a wii fit. I want one so bad. Its my present to me for losing 20 lbs. Well technically i think it might be George Bush's present to me, but either way i'm on the lookout for it.

I keep checking the stores in town but they sell out SO quickly. I checked every day last week except Saturday. And wouldn't you know it, they re-stocked the wii fits on saturday. When hubby went to check again at 10am Sunday morning, they were already sold out.

I almost gave up and decided to get a bike and trailer for me and Caleb BUT the trailer alone is $110 and wii fit is *only* around $90.

Fortunately I now have a friend on the inside who works in the electronics department in Walmart. I asked her to give me a call as soon as they stock. Hopefully i will be able to get there before they're all sold out

Stepping Down

2008-06-16T09:40:00.000-07:00

So i've been running the nursery for a few years, i was super excited about it, i had all these ideas for what i wanted the nursery to be, and i made them happen, but still it hasn't all turned out as well as i planned. For one thing i kind of fail at the whole talking to people thing. Being assertive with adults in general actually. And well, basically its been me and my husband in the nursery every week for the past 3 years. I could count on my fingers all the times i've been able to attend a sunday morning service in the last 3 years.

I'm just feeling so disconnected from everyone at church. The only time i see anybody from church is when they come to drop off their kids, or to pick them up, and always they have somewhere else to go, i don't have time to really get to know people. I have a hard time talking with people about helping me, because i don't know them well enough to trust them in there. And when i do step out of my comfort zone to ask people to help, they MIGHT do it once, if I'm lucky twice, and then they almost disappear. I'm just feeling like I'm out of my element.

I hate that when i walk into the front doors of the church to find someone to help me in the nursery, or to find a parent, or to actually attend a service, the ushers ask me if its my first time attending My name is in the bulletins you're handing out! No, this is not my first time! I still want to be involved, but not every single week for years at a time. I haven't been able to wake up on a Sunday morning and just decide to fall back asleep. I hate that actually attending church had to involve so much planning and coercion.

I'm really good at managing things, but as for leading the ministry, and taking charge, i just can't. Its NOT what i'm good at. And i tried to step beyond what i'm comfortable with and lead this to where it should go, but honestly, the church is too big for my little plans. The nursery is set up for something great, i just know it is, but i'm not going to be the one leading it there. Its just not my mission to get it there.

Even Hubby came to me the other day and told me that we needed to talk about the nursery. he says he doesn't want to be there anymore. He is just so worn down from it. I started doing it on my own 3 years ago, but the church has grown and i've needed more hands in there. I've tried to get other people to help, but as i said before, i kind of failed. 95% of the time, hubby is there to help me. And he never signed up for this. But he doesn't feel right leaving me alone with all those kids, when he knows i need help. So he's stayed with me. He's been feeling just as isolated in there as i have, and he said he can't do it anymore, there needs to be someone else in there with me, but i know i can't get the help on my own. We both prayed about it and slept on it, and on Sunday morning, i knew that i needed to step down. I planned on calling our Pastor up later this week and explaining it to him.

And on a more personal level, i find it hard to move forward in my personal life. A few months back my SIL asked me to watch her baby during the day while she's at work. I prayed about it and got a very specific message that i wasn't supposed to tell her yes. I was specifically told that i was done being a nanny, that my son is getting older and i need to focus on him. And i know that this was God because SO many wonderful things have happened because of that decision. I'm now going to be homeschooling my son, and my SIL is now staying home with her baby instead of working full time. Well anyway, when i told her this, she specifically asked me "what about the nursery" and i was confused because i didn't even think of that as part of what was being said to me. But i see it now. I can't really move forward to accept where i am in life, if my entire job description is thinking about babies

Yesterday morning, a man came up and introduced himself to me. He said that he was the new Christian education directer. He asked me if i was running the nursery, and i told him i was, but then he asked me if was going to be the one doing it every week. My heart just started pounding and i told him that no, i wasn't going to be doing it anymore. I explained that i still wanted to be a teacher, but not every week. I talked to him a bit about how i felt i needed to get connected into the church body, and he just nodded his head and told me that everyone needs to get fed. I gave him my name and number so he could contact me, and i told him i would talk to pastor about it later.

And so now i need to call pastor. I know that this is what i'm supposed to be doing but it is just ALL SO SCARY So I need prayer that i use all those wonderful words that God gave me to use and that i am able to be assertive. The very thought of calling the man who is always so very busy and going through his own personal crisis at the moment to tell him that i can no longer help him the way i always have makes me feel like my knees are going to give out from underneath me

They have arrived

2008-06-14T08:16:00.000-07:00

This morning i woke up, once again in Caleb's bed. I was taking my temperature when i noticed some movement from the corner of my eye on top of Caleb's dresser. It was coming from our caterpillar jar. My heart started racing and i creeped up out of bed to look, and sure enough, two of our caterpillars had emerged from their cacoons.

I quickly woke up my sleepy boy to show them. He smiles and said that they were happy butterflies. Technically they were moths but i didn't want to steal his joy. I took a picture of them in their jar and then we took them outside. We opened the jar up in the sunlight and one flew away immediatly. The other needed more help. It stood there in the sun for a little bit and then Caleb blew on it. It flew down and landed on my skirt.

I snapped another picture and then i scooped it into my hand and went to hand it to caleb when it finally took wing and landed in one of the bushes near my house. Of coarse this mean that there will be more caterpillars eating my plants in a few weeks, but it will be exciting to capture them again and watch them transform.

Vent-my mom and her guilt trips

2008-06-11T09:19:00.000-07:00

OK as a background my mom is bipolar. Lately she's been doing really well on her new meds, so these little phone calls have been fewer and far between but i just got one yesterday and its driving me nuts.

So my mom calls and starts with small talk, how are you, what are you doing, whats Caleb's doing. Etc. But her voice is pretty thick, so i know she's upset over something. To right after asking about what Caleb is doing she starts saying how she just misses him so much and keeps repeating how she "just wants to be in his life!" She kept saying how she can't believe how big he's getting and she feels like she's missing out on so much because i never bring him over. Repeating over and over how she "just wants to be in his life"

Now i understand completely that she wants to see him, but i do not appreciate her guilt trips. She lives less than a mile away, she can come see him anytime she wants. i have NEVER told her no if she asks if she can come over, she just NEVER asks to come over. EVER. Which means that i have to bring Caleb to her house which isn't the best thing to do. Every time i go over there i end up spending most of my time trying to take care of something there. Either something with my mentally impaired uncle or paying my mom's bills or cleaning her house, i get so busy i don't have much time to watch Caleb like i should be doing while I'm there. They're always smoking cigarettes in the backyard when Caleb is out there, they leave there laptops on the end tables within Caleb's reach. My mom is bi-polar, but medicated, but her boyfriends schizophrenia is not. Well he self medicates with marijuana (which i just found out, from a friend of my brothers). I could never tell before because he's ALWAYS a bit off, and i assumed it had to do with his mental illness, apparently thats only part of the story. I am so frustrated that i didn't realize it sooner, he used to drive us around town all the time, i'm so angry at myself for putting Caleb in the car with him when he was high. So yeah, i haven't been over much sinse i found out about the drug use 2 weeks ago. Its just not somewhere where i want Caleb to be spending a lot of time.

I never spent a lot of time there before anyway. When i saw my mom i would either invite her out to lunch (can't anymore too expensive) or i'd head to the library and she'd meet me there and we'd go for a walk and end up at my house. But after my mom was hospitalized in November she hasn't been able to walk long distances anymore so we can't do that.

I know i should probably talk to my mom about this, but she's in a mood right now, and criticizing her home life is just not going to make things any better between us.

I lost 20 lbs!

2008-06-04T11:34:00.000-07:00

HAPPY DANCE!

I'm so excited that i'm feeling a little brave. Before and After pictures:

The first one was taken 2 years ago on st patricks day

I THINK that in the first picture i was 148, and now i am 127.2 :D

Caleb SO weazled his way into this picture. I asked him to take it for me, but he refused, so i set up the timer and at the last second he jumped in the shot, LOL

Also, i think i like having bangs...

New monitor

2008-06-02T11:30:00.000-07:00

So my mom gave me a blood sugar monitor a while back, because i told her how worried i was about it. She gave it to me but the test strips were expired so i didn't trust the results too much. I hadn't used my monitor in quite a while.

Well my sister in law was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, but now that she is not pregnant its not a problem for her. I asked her about her moniter and she gave it to me. I waited until this morning to start. Normal range fasting is supposed to be between 70 and 100. Mine was 91 which was in the normal range (although i should add that i had a salad, some fish and chicken, and a little bit of watermelon for diner, hardly any carbs but the watermelon)

Well anyway, that was in normal range, i started to feel good. I ate some breakfast (weight control oatmeal and a glass of rice milk) I tested an hour later and my sugar level was at 195. Normal range is anywhere under 140.

*sigh* I was giving myself excuses that some foods wouldn't affect me "all that much" that i can cheat every now and then (which led to me not watching much except for calories) but i can't really do that much anymore. I'm going to log in my scores for the week and then when we get that stupid economic stimulus thingie (which is taking forever to get here) then i'm going to make a dr's appointment. I hate waiting like that, but without insurance, i would MIGHT barely be able to afford the dr's visit, and there would be no way that i would be able to afford the lab work.

Catapillars!

2008-05-29T12:42:00.000-07:00

I kept finding holes all over my tomato plants but as hard as i looked, i couldn't find any bugs that could be doing it. Well today i watered right on top of my plants instead of on the ground next to it and i knocked 2 caterpillars off of my plants, one was about an inch long and the other was maybe 1/3 of that size.

Well at least i know what has been causing it. Now what to do about it. Caleb is super excited about HIS caterpillars, in fact, we brought them inside in a jar and he's been plucking leaves off my tomato plants to feed them. All they want to do is escape :P

I'm not sure if should keep them and feed them until they go into cocoons for a science lesson, or to just destroy the annoying little buggers.

any idea on how to keep them off my tomatoes and basil?

Making diapers

2008-05-29T11:40:00.000-07:00

so a long long long time ago i used to cloth diaper caleb. I loved it, i really did. In fact i made quite a few of my own cloth diapers and dreamed of running my own cloth diapering store (It was going to be called Gee Whiz Diapers) Anyway, so my sister in law wanted to try it out. I encouraged her to buy them online (because the ones in the store are crap) and we were looking for the cheapest. Of coarse the cheapest ones were the ones you had to fold so she decided to go with those. She thought it seemed a little complicated. So I offered to turn them into the more fitted diapers.

That was my first mistake. I've finished one so far and have discovered how out of practice i am. But i am learning from my mistakes and hope to have it perfected before her diapers arrive. My extras will be going to my sister in law as well, probably as doll diapers :)

Weekend Report.

2008-05-24T19:48:00.002-07:00

Yesterday was Caleb's OT, but he was in a "special" mood and wouldn't cooperate. It wasn't until after we were driving away that i remembered that he didn't have any breakfast before we went up there. I feel like such a goober. No wonder he was so cranky. On the way back home we stopped at Trader Joes. Oh how i love that place. I got some hummus, pitas, whole grain cereal, dried fruit, lemon curd and crumpets. Oh and some fancy cup of noodle for hubby's lunch at work.

We got back home and i went to my mother in law's house to do laundry. We shared our treasure trove or yummy food stuffs that we had just obtained, and I drove around town some to practice my driving, dropped off Caleb's class pictures at his grandparents houses. Thats usually what my friday afternoon looks like.

I am so excited to have hubby home for this 3 day weekend. I miss him so much when he is at work (yeah i know, i'm lame, but he's just so fun to be around) But today is day one and he's on my last nerve already Ugh. Things don't always turn out as wonderful as i imagine them. Well, today wasn't so bad. Hubby and I stayed in our pajamas all day and we spent some quality time together playing with Caleb. I didn't lose it when Caleb colored on the walls, and thats a pretty big victory for me. It wasn't until diner time that things all went to crap. There was nothing to cook and hubby said he's take me to the store, but he didn't want to get off his video game. I was cranky, Caleb was acting out (because he gets impulsive when he's hungry) and hubby was cranky. it was just not a good time for us. But now we have food (and the grownups have some new "Voltage" Mt Dew) in us we're in much brighter moods. Caleb cried when we took his Wiggles video back to the rental place, but once we got home he was fine watching an older little einstein movie that he hadn't seen in a while.

We might do something special together tomorrow. I don't think we have plans tomorrow anymore (we have a weekly date with friends to play dungeons and dragons, but they're going to the coast, i think) so we may have all day tomorrow free too. If we don't have anything planned, we'll just change out of our church clothes and spend the rest of our day playing video games.

Drama Over

2008-05-19T16:21:00.000-07:00

No more worrying about when my period will arrive. Aunt Flo came to visit early this afternoon. While its disappointing, I'm glad to stop worrying about it.

Heat Wave

2008-05-18T07:29:00.000-07:00

those of you who live near me know exactly what I'm talking about. It is supposed to be 101 degrees today.

Its been hard keeping ahead of my garden. I've been putting a full gallon of water into my big containers in the morning so they'll be wet all day, and they're still completely dry by the time night time comes around.

I think i'm going to water them fully in the morning and then supplement a little near noon to see if that will keep them at least a little damp all day...

made a decision

2008-05-17T10:40:00.000-07:00

So i talked to my friend about all my doubts and fears about next year. And she told me of an option. Theres another public school that the school district refused to speak to me about. It has smaller class sizes and the students get one on one attention from their instructor almost 100% of the time so i don't have to worry about Caleb being left behind the rest of the class, he WILL get his work done because there is someone there to walk him through everything he has trouble with. Their building is kind of small, but because the class sizes are so small they're able to do a lot there. They have a garden for the students to work in, they have class pets for the students.

Because it is a public school there is no tuition, and he has his own personal computer to use during class even though 90% of the work is away from the computer, using manipulatives and work pages.

School is only 4 hours a day, if that, and they have long breaks. They go on frequent field trips to the library and to grocery stores and the zoo. The school even has a beginning music program for kindergarteners

Best of all Caleb, absolutely loves his new teacher. Whenever she walks in the door he gives her a big hug and tells her how much he loves her. The teacher isn't at all shy about saying that Caleb is her favorite student.

Caleb will be learning at home next year.

We are going through California Virtual Academies, using the K12 curriculum.

sneek peek into public school

2008-05-17T09:46:00.000-07:00

I have been on my knees praying about next year. I couldn't decide what to do for Caleb. I really really wanted him to go back to preschool. He loved his preschool class and he has made friends there. He was still all over the place and i was disappointed with their discipline (or rather, lack of discipline in the classroom). But the state of California does not support that decision. They told me that i either put him in school next year in kindergarten, or i put him in a private school (i am not happy with the private schools in the area, at all, they're more daycares than preschools). But if i put him in private school, they would not be able to help him with his therapies as much as they would if he was in kindergarten.

I was torn. I didn't think he would be able to handle being in a kindergarten class. If he couldn't do it, i have no qualms about allowing him to repeat. If he needs it, it is what i will do for him, i won't let my pride get in the way of him actually learning the material. I think what he really needs is a lot of one on one time, and being one in thirty students would limit that. If he was less mature than the other students, then i worried that he would be singled out.

I even looked at home school curriculum online, but i couldn't find anything that i felt would fit Caleb and his specific needs.

The school district "allowed" me to come and observe the kindergarten class rooms. I went on Tuesday. The school was easily in walking distance, so I walked, and on the way I prayed that I would get my answers. That God would give me a clear answer as to where Caleb needs to be. Where he would be best supported and molded into the person that God wants him to be. His speech therapist walked me through the classes. The first class was really nice. They were all doing circle time. The teacher was reading a book to the class. There were a few kids who were getting distracted and she gently redirected them. You can tell that the class really loved her. Heck i loved her, she seemed so sweet. She was also the teacher that Caleb's current teacher told me that she hopes that he gets.

Well that went well, and then we visited the other class. It did not go as well. The teacher was less organized. The speech therapist pointed out a student to me that was sitting in a chair. Caleb has low tone in his body core, he had trouble sitting down, he would probably have to sit in a chair during circle time as well. The class went on for a little bit and then the teacher stopped her lesson and while still standing in front of the class, she began to speak to the child in the chair. "are you ready to behave so that you can sit down with the rest of the class?" The whole class turned and looked at this poor little boy. "yes," he told her and he headed back to his spot on the carpet, having to walk in front of the whole class to get there. She continued with her lesson, but made a point to correct his posture and his handwriting, even though there were other student who had the same problem.

She finished her lesson and it was time to dismiss the rows to put away their dry erase boards. She told the class that the straightest quietest row would go first. They released one row, the students groaned and complained that they always got to go first but the teacher ignored it. She looked at the rows. that one student was sitting on top of his legs and drawing pictures of his board while he waited (there were a couple other students doing the same). She snapped at him again. Telling him to sit up and erase what was on his board. She said that he was ruining it for the rest of his row. He looked like he was about to cry. She stood over him while he erased is board and sat like she wanted him to. Other students in the class saw her single this kid out, and straightened up too.

So she went and she excused two other rows. And now it was between the little boy's row (who were all sitting still and facing forward now) and the row next to them (which was actually 2 rows because the students had moved earlier so they cold sit next to their friends) She stood there for a moment to decide which row to release. And even though the little boy's row was the straighter and quieter row, she released the other row. To teach him a lesson, i guess, because there was no other reason to release the other row.

She singled that poor kid out, she shamed him in front of the class, and she tried to turn the other students against him by saying that he was ruining it for the other kids.

Thats exactly the kind of thing that will make a kid hate school. Caleb has days like that too, all he needs is simple guidance, to hold him by the hand and he'll do everything asked of him. But not if you shame him, not if you embarrass him or make an example of him. He just shuts down when that happens. I can see Caleb being that little boy. Not being able to sit down, being bored and distracted when things are too hard and nobody takes the time to explain to him. If Caleb were in her class, he would be discouraged, and he would learn to hate school. Everything that I feared would happen if put in preschool too early.

He could make it in the other class, with the other teacher, but its not guaranteed that he will get her as a teacher. As it was there was only a better chance that he would do well in her class, and even then, it was 50/50 that he would get her as a teacher.

I talked with his speech therapist some. she talked about lunch time and stuff like that. She asked me what my concerns were. I told her about how I worried that Caleb would have a hard time transitioning from one activity to another. she asked me what i did when he had trouble transitioning. I told her i gave him 5 minute warnings before we changed activities, and that when he threw a fit, i let him throw his fit but i still made him do it. She told me that the teacher wouldn't have time to do that with Caleb in class. That if he threw a fit she would just put him in time out, and if he didn't calm down, that she would send him to the office. That i should start giving Caleb time outs now, so that he would be ready for when he went into school.

I thanked her and i went home. I thought that seeing the classrooms would make me feel better about kindergarden, but it only made me feel worse. I felt even more stuck. This is what i was going forward with until then, and now i felt like i should have waited to make my decision. But i still didn't feel good about homeschooling him. I don' t know if i have the discipline to do it everyday., and i don't have the money to buy a bunch of curriculum to look through before i decide which will be best for him.

I just felt so stuck.

Victory Garden

2008-05-15T13:43:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, a long long time ago, back in the 1940s the country was at war (sound familiar?) and the country was having food shortages and they were rationing food (wheat, rice anyone?) There wasn't enough workers in the field to produce enough fruits and vegetables to feed the country . So the higher ups in the government got together and had several meeting trying to figure out what they can do to help their country get through this crisis. And what did they decide?

The government at the time decided to actually encourage people to be self sufficient and to not rely on the fact that the grocery stores would have food. They were encouraged to build victory gardens, to can food, and basically told the country to reduce, reuse and recycle. For the sake of the nation. And you know what? They did it!

But after the war it all stopped. Actually it wasn't until the war ended that the greatest food shortage hit. People thought that the fight was over and stopped planting their victory gardens. It was the year of 1946 that had the greatest food shortage of all the years previous.

It amused me.